I’m not entirely sure where to post this but here goes.

I tried to get pregnant at 14, yeah fucked up, I know. I was beyond depression. I had tried killing myself multiple times. I was in love with a piece of shit. I wanted him to stay and choose me instead of using me. (Yep, I was that girl. Though I had him into it after awhile...). I got the idea from babysitting a few kids that were family friends. The youngest at the time fell asleep in my arms and it was the most at piece I had felt in a few years. The idea just kept going.

Every serious relationship, minus my current one, I’ve talked them into wanting a child. I was engaged and we had a whole plan. Loved talking about when we’d have kids, get married yada yada. We broke up (long story) and my next relationship, my SO at the time had a 6 month old. I fell head over heels for her. She was honestly why I got in the relationship and even more so why I stayed way longer than I should’ve. Her parents are trash and at 19 I was caring for an infant, another adult, and trying to convince him for another one. Yeah, really stupid. We started to get bad towards each other and I kept trying to leave but he knew what to say. Alas, still no baby (though I’m glad it was none of them I have one with, still doesn’t kill the urge to have one) A guy I had been talking with, we had plans too. But he wanted to wait till we were married. (We weren’t together, long story)

I’ve currently been with my boyfriend for almost a year and a half. I bring up kids a lot. Mostly because the thought makes me feel better. The thought of having a child that’s half the man I’ve been in love with since I was 17 and me makes me feel at ease. He’s against having a kid right now. It’s literally all I want. I constantly make comments about how I’ve given up on having one with him. It kills me when I get excited just talking about it and he tells me no.

I’ve even explained not even right now but he still gets weird about it. I don’t want us to break up but I’m really starting to think he’ll never come around to having a kid sometime soonish or I’ll accidentally get pregnant and he won’t be happy. I’m just devastated and depressed all across the board. I feel like it’s the only way to be happy for me to have a family of my own and I love him with everything I have but I’m really starting to give up hope that our relationship will turn into marriage or a family.

I don’t know how to be okay with putting my one and only dream on hold anymore. I swear everyone around me and a handful of my cousins have been popping out babies or posting announcements and I’m so excited for them but it’s literally killing me.

Any way to help with the pain?

Spotting