I’m drinking this soda for my health.

I’m drinking this soda for my health.

My mental health.

I am tired of looking at myself in the mirror everyday and hate what I see despite weighing over 20lbs less than I did last year.

I’m tired of obsessively counting the calories that I intake plus the calories that I burn.

I’m tired of my weird eating habits.

I put excess protein in my body because I think that will give me a lean figure, while drinking excess coffee the next morning so I can get all the food out of my system. I never allow myself to slip up.

I’m tired of arguing with myself on my drive home from work because my mom says she ordered fries for me when I’m home. “Michaela, you’ve only had 1,100 calories today, just eat the fucking fries.”

I’m tired of the mass amounts of shame I feel when I eat anything. Even nutritional foods.

So I decide today I want a cream soda. (160 calories)

I drive down to the store. I’m waiting in my car because a young boy is at the vending machine. He had a fairly larger body, and it was really hard for me to watch. Not in judgement of him, but I was imagining myself as the person with a larger body buying a soda. (I weigh just 145 lbs)

I start the car, drive away, and make myself almost home. Then I drive back. This brings me here. This post really has no big resolution. This is just where I’m at currently. I hope this soda helps me realize that I can afford to slip up every now and then.