I am currently 27+1 weeks pregnant with my first, a little girl. She was very much planned (we tried for a whole year). My husband and I have been married for 3 years so when we found out I was pregnant, we were both so happy. Did I mention that this is the FIRST grandchild on BOTH sides? Everyone seems out of this world excited, but I just can’t get into this whole thing. I feel so disconnected to the baby, I don’t feel any love towards her, when she kicks, I cringe at the thought of rubbing my belly.

Let me tell you when I started feeling this way.

Around 4 months pregnant, I saw a baby kitten in the window of pet smart adoption section. I’ve never had a cat before, only dogs but I felt an instant connection to this cat. She was a lynx point with bright blue eyes— just absolutely beautiful. I’ve been on maternity leave due to a high risk pregnancy and spent everyday with this kitten. She would lay on my chest, in my arms, nudge my face. She would wake me up at 5 am to feed her, then come running back to the room on my bed and put her cheek against mine and purr for hours. The intense feeling of attachment to her to say the least is an understatement. She was my baby.

It all happened so fast, she got really sick one day when I noticed how bloated her stomach was. Fluid filled up in her stomach. I took her to the vet, multiple vets actually. $1000 later, there’s nothing they could do. There was no cure for how sick she was. We were just prolonging the inevitable. What this baby kitten had was fatal. She was only 5 months and I was devastated.

I wasn’t ready to put her to sleep just yet, so my husband and I took her home as she was still eating and drinking fine. We knew we only had a matter of days before it all went bad so I cried every day, every hour, mostly every minute looking at her knowing she won’t be with us long. Two days after that, she started slowing down. Her swollen tummy got so big she would have a hard time walking. My husband and I knew the humane thing to do was to put her to sleep to end her suffering before she got even worse.

We made that dreaded drive, I was with her when she was euthanized, cried as she took her last breath and saw the life leave her body. The image of her body on the vet table has haunted me.

It has officially been a week since she’s been gone and i am so depressed. I think about her all the time, cry before falling asleep and think of her as soon as I wake up. I haven’t even thrown her toys away or her litter box because I’m just not ready.

I have a feeling some people will say “she was just a cat” I don’t feel this way, I feel like I lost my baby. My family keeps saying “stop crying you are affecting the your unborn baby” or “you should be so happy some people dream about having kids” but I just don’t really care. Disturbing thoughts are overtaking me, I would rather have the kitty back. I miss her so much and I feel there is a huge whole in my heart that no one can fill except her.

Yes, I have something people dream about. I have a good life too. I don’t have to work, I have a supportive husband, and I have a baby on the way but I am so unhappy. I don’t understand why this happened. Why she was taken from me so soon, she brought me joy and happiness and now all I feel is pain and sadness. Why? Anyways...my question is, I feel so depressed, in a very dark place. Is this something I should talk to my doctor about. I don’t know how to move on.