There so much I wish I could say sorry for but it’s to late!


The last time I came on hire way may 2017 after my 4th pregnancy loss and I was honestly broken from it I wanted a baby so bad but my OH (well now ex oh) didn’t want anymore especially after our second trimester loss of jan that year. Because he didn’t want anymore and I did we fought about the subject quite often which lead to him leaving at the end of may he took Joe (our little boy) with him to his parents that night to give me a cool off period and said we would talk about the issues in the morning and decide what to do from there, I went out got drunk and had had a one night stand who he then discovered in our house the next day, he didn’t say a word about it he just told me to let him know when I would next let him have Joe overnight and took his stuff and left, I didn’t even try to explain my self I just stood there and watched him walk away. I felt numb. Joe then went to live with his dad due to me having a mental breakdown which in the middle of that I discovered I was pregnant again (one night stand dude) and had an abortion. I just couldn’t think about kids or pregnancy at this point, our son still came to see me twice a week at this point in August his dad met someone she seemed lovely and loved Joseph just as much as his dad did. I envied that. I envied him so much at this point I was so angry at him for being happy. Finally after what I did it’s the least he deserved Why I have no idea but I hated him for it which created some strains as I couldn’t actually release a nice word out of my mouth to him or his girlfriend, after every bad word I said to them she still found it within her to talk to me when my ex couldn’t to arrange joe coming to stay. In November comes the biggest blow, just after our sons second birthday she announced she was pregnant with what was soon to be my sons half brother or sister I was Absloutley raging i cried so hard when I found it and especially with how happy they looked at there news I couldn’t bare to see the announcement or hear about it let alone look at them, they seemed so happy and yet I was stuck in this battle with my self. People tried to help and I pushed them away so far away that nobody wanted to know. Christmas Day joe came to see me with his dad and his girlfriend for the day it was the first time I had seen them since the announcement and joe proceeded to tell me he was having a baby brother I felt sick to my stomach but still tried for the day. I wanted to speak to my ex and tell him I was sorry if that changed anything at all but I couldn’t do it he seemed so focused on Joe and giving him a good day that I just kept my mouth shut. I often wonder if he would ever except my apology and the way I went about things. May this year they finally had a baby boy 2 weeks early the pictures said more than words could they were over the moon about there new arrival joe was buzzing with his new baby brother yet I felt so lost and empty with the news I couldn’t even congratulate them till 4 weeks after his birth, it took so long. But still it was a welcomed congratulations. When I knocked on the door he let me in he seemed on cloud 9 so did joe and his girlfriend with the new baby I met him and he looks exactally like his daddy and his brother (my son is his dads double to) I cried I kept thinking that this should have been me not her. Even to this day over a year later I am so jelous of his happiness and I don’t have a right to be afterall the way I treated him was disgusting and he has every right to hate me. The worst part of it all is that he doesn’t hate me. He admits he hated what I did but it’s in the past and to move on from it he has. My heads still all over the place I don’t know what I want will I ever get past the jealousy phase of watching them be happy and more importantly I never said sorry to him directly I wonder if he knows that I’m sorry and if I did apologise would he ever forgive me. The sad part of this all is I actually miss him being my friend aswell as my other half and now I have to watch him do all that with someone else. What I would give to them back time and most importantly have the bollocks to say sorry for hurting him so bad and our son.