As you may have gathered by reading the title, I have epilepsy. My name is Emily I’m 26 and wanting to have a baby with my Husband who if FINALLY ready to start a family!

I was 8 months old when I was diagnosed with epilepsy. The past 25 years and 4 months have been the absolute hardest. Mentally, physically, emotionally and spiritually. I’ve always had tests done, trying to figure out which medicines would stop the seizures and which ones had what side effect,etc. that continued until I was 14 years old. They finally figured out a concoction of medication that worked and stopped the seizures.

Then we of course started to think about child bearing, just in case. We found out that the one concoction we figured out that was perfect would actually cause some severe birth defects in my baby. Neural, Spinal, Penial (if it were a boy), but mainly the first two. So, that was shocking news to hear when your 14-18 years old. We continued trying different medications for my future baby, but still nothing.

When your 14-18 years old, yeah you may ‘dream’ of having kids, and you may even ‘want’ them right then. That’s all they were to me. A dream, a future, one without medical bills, blood work, requesting days off work, etc. It was the one thing I knew I’d have one day but I wasn’t worried about it because, I wasn’t having a baby when I was that young.

Fast forward 12 years later, a married woman, 26 years of age actively trying to conceive. A woman who wants to start a ‘real’ family and not a ‘future Pinterest’ family. (Even though I still Pinterest stuff) My husband and I went to see my Gynecologist who is a high risk pregnancy (which I am) specialist.

My husband is the biggest worry wort, but I know that’s his way of loving and protecting me, so of course he asked all these questions. Then she sees this medication I’m on, and she is strongly recommending switching (which in my mind is a BIG no!) to a different one. Given my past trying to switch for this reason I said no. My husband on the other hand wants me to try (so I said I would) 🙄 oh vey. I asked what would happen if there was NO way that I could. She listed all of those defects out and I could just tell my husbands face went into worry mode.

Obviously being a hormonal woman, I want to bawl but I waited until she took my IUD out and he and I got in the car. I cried so hard I could barely breathe. Not because I haven’t heard this before, but because it didn’t mean as much to me as it does now. I’m trying to be the glue to my husbands worriedness, and he I know is doing his best to be there for me, but I am internally suffering. I feel like I have been told I can’t have a baby, even though I know that is nothing like it.

So any of you have any encouraging words or advice that would help me? Thanks!

-E