Honestly, I don’t even know who to talk to anymore.

We’ve been together for 4 years, and currently both are 23 years old.

We’ve been breaking up and getting back together every once in a while.

He doesn’t trust me, because he thinks I cheated on him (I went to Europe during one of our breakups to clear my head), which I didn’t. I had to stop talking to a few of my friends, because he didn’t like the way our friendship was.

His parents are very conservative, so he doesn’t let me get another tattoo, because he claims he won’t get their blessing to marry me if I do. On the other hand, we’ve been dating for 4 years, and not even once we discussed getting married, because he doesn’t want to (which doesn’t even add up with the previous statement).

He’s said/done things that I won’t ever be able to forgive. Like, I told him about my abusive father, and during one of the arguments he used that against me, saying that he understands why my father couldn’t control himself.

One time he lied to me, saying that his mom was extremely sick and had to be taken to an emergency room, just to manipulate me into doing what he wanted me to do.

I know this all sounds really bad, but in the meantime, I don’t know if I’m actually the one to blame for all of this. Maybe I’m overreacting or maybe I’m just difficult to be with? I genuinely don’t know if this is emotionally abusive relationship, or if I’m just making a big deal out of it. I love him, and I want to be with him, but I’m just not happy lately.

A few years ago I was at a coffee shop, waiting for my boyfriend, and a British tourist that was sitting next to me started discussing brexit and politics with me. I kept on looking back, because I was scared that my boyfriend will see me talking to a guy and it will piss him off. But at the same time, I don’t know, maybe it wouldn’t piss him off and I’m just making all this up.

Sorry for such a lengthy text. I used to talk to my mom and my friends about this, but it’s been 4 years of me telling them about the same issues, and them telling me not to be with him. I feel embarrassed, stupid, and pathetic, so it’s easier to post anonymously.