Seriously terrified and crippled with anxiety about giving birth again


Ok this is going to be a long post so bare with me please. When I had my son I had an extremely traumatic birth. At 1 week being over due I was 3 cm dilated, On my second week of being overdue my waters broke and contractions started I rang the hospital who said they were to busy to see me so I literally wasn’t allowed to go in, on the second day of non stop back to back contractions they still said they were too busy but my hubby and Mum took me in anyway(at 11am) the midwife was extremely shitty and told me to go home until my husband said no she put me in a little side room and closed the door. At 5pm ish I was done no sleep for over 24hours no pain relief I needed help not once did the midwife check in with with me so my husband insisted she check me and offer me something for the pain I was 5cm and all she would offer was paracetamol which I took but had no relief from it an hour later he did the same and she walked in with a pethidine injection which I never wanted we didn’t even know what she had given me until she stuck it in my leg I went mad and for the next 3-4 hours was extremely sick. Around 9pm another midwife walked in the room with another labouring women and was mortified she had not long started her shift and had no idea I was there she examined me I was at 7cm spoke to my husband and I was moved straight to main delivery unit and offered an epidural ( I had to wait an hour as I had to have bloods done first) but I finally was out of pain around 10.30pm. Long story short now by my contracts stopped my son had to have bloods taken while he was still inside me twice something was wrong with my heart rate as it was way higher than my sons it was 4am on the 3rd day after my waters broke and I was told we have an hour to get him out before a c section is needed l I needed an assisted delivery failed suction cap twice and then forceps the obstetrician cut me which I then tore on top of that (I’d like to add I felt all this as my epidural was stopped I hadn’t noticed what the person had done this as there was so many people in the room) the cord was wrapped around my sons neck them he was delivered and LITERALLY thrown on me I went in to total shock I could hold him tight enough due to my shaking my husband had to support him then he was taken away. The placenta was delivered and I was stitched up again no pain relief for this either hurt like hell. After all this he was born at 4.41am in the 3rd day after my waters broke. I was moved to a high dependency ward where they told me my boy had a blood infection and needed medication twice a day via iv that was all they would tell me. On my 3rd day in hospital I was put on the main ward and finally was receiving painkillers and antibiotics via drip. (Not 1 person helped me with breastfeeding when I asked I was jut given a bottle so that’s that) the nurses and midwives on the ward were horrible when ever I asked for help I was told do it yourself I literally couldn’t get out of bed so when my son was brought back in after his meds they wouldn’t put him close enough for me to reach him. My family were horrified at me treatment and lack of care and constantly complained to the staff. On my 5th day my hubby noticed my notes which included my medication wasn’t mine it was for another women so the whole time she was getting what I should of been having and vice verse. My husband went NUTS I was moved to another ward for my last 2 nights in hospital and began to feel more normal nicer midwifes who say with me helped me my meds were right and I was allowed home with my son after 8 days. My husband and Mum praise me for not screaming crying swearing nothing I deal with pain quite well as in I don’t like to make a “scene” the reason being was I thought I was going to die and didn’t want my husband to remember me in a hysterical way can’t really describe it. I love my son beyond words but I really struggled bonding.

I have suffered anxiety and severe depression ever since it has been 5 years and now my daughter is due October 29th I can’t sleep I have panic attacks everyday and cry constantly about going through this again. I am terrified I am going to die and the thought of leaving my son breaks me I can’t cope at all. The thought of a c section makes me feel just as terrified. Every time my baby kicks it makes me cry as it reminds me that she’s there and at some point has to come out. I can’t face doing any baby prep or anything. I don’t know if anyone can give me advise that will comfort me but I just had to tell someone.