I am so hesitant to write this. My father passed away from cancer 2 year ago when I was 22 years old. I hate talking about him in a bad way because he has passed. But for some reason my mind is making me address what he made me do to him. Anyways. When I was 15 almost 16 years old I was caught sexting. My dad made me read every single message I ever sent out loud to him then he took my phone and read them himself. He even got a program that recovered deleted messages so he could read those too. My family was very catholic. I was absolutely not allowed to date or talk to boys or look at them. Once he found out, he made me tell a crucifix What I had done. He told me that if I lied to the crucifix he would pull up my messages. I got my phone taken away for years and I was not allowed to get my license until I was 18. He also told me that God wanted my dad to punishing himself for raising a child like me. So I had 2 options for my dads punishment. This is according to my dad. He said my options were for him to not eat for a week or for me to beat him in our 40 acre back yard or he would starve. I chose to beat him with a belt because I thought he may die if he starved. I remember this whole scene and it haunts me:( I am now 24. I remember everything. He told me to hit harder if I didn’t hit hard enough. Fast forward to able 18 years old and my dad and I had a good relationship. My mind made me completely forget about that whole thing and I finally had a life of my own and went to college. When he passed away we had a great relationship. But now that he is gone this is coming up. I feel terrible for writing this because he is gone and no longer has a word. I don’t think his intentions were wrong he just took the Bible and religion too seriously. I plan to get help. Any other words of advice? Thank you