Don’t read this if you get triggered by pedophilia, rape, molestation, etc. Warning everyone now, this is a bit graphic.

Also, it’s super long. Sorry. I need to get it out there in hopes of helping someone.

Backstory:

Before I was even born my mother was a drug addict and an alcoholic. She got pregnant with me, quit both and went to treatment while I was an infant. She stayed with my biological father who was also an addict and alcoholic and has been in and out of jail his whole life. So, when I was 3 we left. Moved, mom made a new love, had my brother when I was 4. All is cool, her drinking habit is under control & no drugs. Fast forward to about the age of 8, my mother starts drinking heavily again. As the years go by it just gets worse. When I was about 11 is when all of the bad stuff started. I suffered from anorexia, depression and anxiety, leading to self harm and suicide attempts, much related to my mothers habits and my biological fathers manipulation and verbal and mental abuse. Thinking I could confide in my mother, I tell her I’m suffering. Mind you, she was the same growing up, had always struggled with bulimia and looking back now, her ED was never truly gone. Anyways, she becomes abusive, mentally and physically, making everything worse and destroying my relationship to her. I turned to the internet. Seeking any sort of attention, I did not care. This led to very, very bad things. I was 12 at this point. I started talking to “teenage boys” who I thought were ages 14-18. Yeah, it’s fucked up, but at the time it was the only thing I had. I thought these boys cared about me when they asked for pictures. I thought they cared when they soothed anxiety attacks, then asked for more pictures. Then videos. More, and more. I gave myself away to complete strangers even when it made me feel wrong and nasty. I found out these “boys” were actually men. Some as old as 45, some as young as 20. Either way, it was illegal. When I was 12, it became only one man. Controlling me, manipulating me, telling me since he worked for Apple he could track my location and find me. Of course this scared me into not saying anything. I never told anyone the things this man made me do.

*GRAPHIC CONTENT COMING, SKIP DOWN IF YOU DONT WANT TO READ.*

At this point I was just terrified. But I was also giving him all my trust, my whole body, everything I had to just get someone to care, to pay attention, and to some extent he did “care.” He cared for me in the way you’d think a pedophile would care for their victim in order to get them to stay. Offered to send gifts, offered to listen to my problems and give advice. But it would always end in sexual acts. Doing things to myself, on video. I’ve seen his face. I know his name. He has a wife and 2 sons. Ray. I don’t know his last name that was something he never would tell me. He used to send me porn videos off the dark web, of men doing things to toddlers.. he would tell me that’s how he thought of me. I was just “so sexy” at 12. This went on until I was 14.

*GRAPHIC ENDED*

At the age of 14, I became very body dysmorphic. I hated the way I looked which only drove my continuous eating disorder further. I thought and felt as though I should be a boy. This was nothing related to the pedophilia, this was genuine in my brain. I transitioned the most I could, wore a chest binder and cut my long, curly hair to a pixie cut. This didn’t affect Ray in any way. He didn’t care. He didn’t care because I still sent him pictures, still trusted and confided in him. I was naive and stupid and young. Eventually, I had had enough of feeling dirty, used, and was so unhappy with lady parts that I couldn’t do it anymore. I told him I had to leave. I told him this had to stop. I told him this was illegal, and if he tried to contact me I would get the police (empty threats, to get away from him. I don’t think I would’ve ever had the guts to tell anyone as all my life nobody believed anything I had to say.) After I finally got it to stop, I was.. happy? As happy as I could be anyways. And for some reason my gender identity came back, I started feeling more female again. I didnt hate my boobs or my feminine figure. I still restricted food, still cut/burned/scratches/punched myself. I still dealt heavily with depression and anxiety.

Fast forward to April of 2014, 8th grade. I was dating an upperclassman named Austin. He was very sexual as he was a freshman and I was still in middle school. He always tried to get me to give him BJ’s or HJ’s on the bus but I refused. I was repulsed by sexual things at this point in my life. He used to put his hands down/up my shirt, try going in my shorts. I would always tell him, “stop, we’re on the bus. People are looking.” He didn’t care. One day, he was trying to uh, get his hands in my pants. I kept telling him no, I’m not in tbe mood, I don’t want to, etc. He shoved his hand down my pants anyways. I yelled, shoved him out of my seat and told him to get the fuck away from me. I’ve never talked to him since.

Fast forward to sophomore year of high school. I’m 15, almost 16. I was still struggling with my eating disorder, trying to stop harming myself but I couldn’t come to terms with anorexia. I met my current boyfriend. He made me feel so much more special than any guy ever has in my life. He actually cared. I initially told him about the Austin situation, but never any details. I just told him I was molested by him and not to let him around me since we went to the same school. He helped me get through my depression and eating disorder and now I can say that I’m fully recovered from anorexia. I haven’t self harmed since January of 2016. Life goes on, all the while the pedophilia situation has been eating away at my insides.

It’s been 6 years since it started and 4 since it ended and I’m just now coming forward.

Here’s the night I told my boyfriend.

I had been visiting my parents since I’m in college now and live with my boyfriend. My mother’s alcoholism has escalated to the point where her every beverage is a beer while drinking whiskey or vodka all day. She smoked probably 2 packs of cigarettes a day. It’s really bad. This particular night she got trashed and started arguing with my dad (stepdad). I went to pick up my boyfriend at work and got thinking about all the things I’ve done in my life because of my parents neglect. So of course I started thinking about Ray. I broke down on the car ride to my boyfriends work. I decided I haf to tell him. After 2 1/2 years, he needs to know all of me.

It was the hardest thing I’ve ever done. I cried so much he had to drive my car home. I told him, everything. I told him details of Austin, and all the details of Ray. I was so scare she would call me dumb, would say “why didn’t you just (insert anything that would’ve gotten me away from Ray or Austin)?” But he didn’t. He doesn’t think of me any differently, or as a whore or anything I thought he would. He still thinks of me the same. He really is a keeper.

I’m happy now. I can go through the day. I think well of myself. I’m pretty much over it. I can live with myself now. And let me tell you, it is the best feeling ever.

Please don’t leave negative comments. This was very difficult for me to post, let alone post it non-anonymously.

If you are going through anything like this, please seek help. I wish I would’ve sooner so both of them would be in jail but neither one of them are or can be because there’s no evidence and it’s lawfully been too long since these things happened. Please get help straight away. I could’ve saved myself years of torment and self-torture.

Also remember to always love yourself. At the end of the day, you are all you have. If you’ve gotten this far, thank you for listening. Thank you.