I had a stillbirth to my son which was 4 years before this, so this time I was more hopeful and excited. We got pregnant in April, miscarried that same month... and our baby would be due this December so it’s haunting as the days get closer, but all I can do is pray and hope our rainbow baby will come 🌈

My fiancé and I were going to have our first child together, we were both so excited and so happy... We went to my first doctors appointment and after that appointment everything, everyday has just been a blur to me....

I was waiting to be pulled back, and I was told to use the bathroom and pee in a cup, etc.... When I wiped after going to the bathroom in the cup — there it was — my worst fear — what I hoped wouldn’t be happening to me again — three clots....

After I had finished using the bathroom and went to sit back down with my fiancé and our family, I couldn’t do anything but sit there and feel numb, I couldn’t do anything but sit there and think what did I do wrong, I couldn’t sit there and think of the hurt our family was about to endure. I sat there holding his hand and I told him before going back to see the doctor what I had just experienced.....

We left the doctor, drove home in silence, and slowly the tears started coming, every amount of pain I could feel started coming, everything I hoped and dreamed of for our first born I knew wasn’t happening... we got home and I had a few things from friends that were given to us for the baby....

it took me 2 weeks to put everything away...

I was afraid to use the bathroom for weeks after we had our miscarriage because I was afraid of what I was going to see and I was afraid of everything....

I had to take days off work because I knew I couldn’t be the best I could be for the for children I take care of, I knew that I needed time to collect my thoughts and to get my mind right. I took time off all social media, I took time off from everything....

My fiancé helped me everyday — when he thought I was sleeping he would leave the bedroom and go the living room and sit at the kitchen table and sob to himself.... he never knew I was awake, he never knew....

The pain I went through, the emptiness I felt, all of confusion and all of the blurs are real and true feelings.....

Everything happens for a reason, there’s a light at every tunnel, we’ve got two angels watching over us, and I know our baby will come when the time is right.... 💖

Thank you for reading and baby dust to you all... 💖

Here’s the double rainbow I came home too a couple days ago... 🌈❤️🌈