I graduated high school early on September 6th. I am working now, but I am also dealing with the aftermath of being arrested for acid. My boyfriend finally got out of jail and is in Florida for rehab and he isn't coming back to Tennessee. I'm having to go to drug education classes every Tuesday-Thursday so that keeps me from working as much as I could. I'm on juvenile probation so I can't drive, I have an 8 pm curfew, I can't have overnights with anyone, and I have a no contact order against my boyfriend. My boyfriend could go to jail for a year to three years for talking to me while I'm on probation.

I used to love music. I loved playing flute. It was my passion. But after three years of misery of trying to be the best I could be and trying to fit in with the kids, I gave up. I left the high school and went to an early graduates program. Now, I am being forced to grow up faster than most people because I'm graduated. And I have absolutely no idea what to do with my life. I used to want a degree in music performance but I can't handle the stress of competition. Not being number one to me means I am last. I tried so hard to get first chair my junior year. I practiced nonstop. We were given 5 days to practice our prepared piece, and 3 of those 5 days fell on our bi-annual trip to Six Flags. I practiced fingerings on the bus and even practiced in the hotel room. Months before chair tests I had begun practicing scales for the Festival for Winds and Percussion, so I continued to practice those scales for chair tests. I ended up getting second chair in my section (0.2 points behind a freshman) and third chair of the entire band. I may sound selfish and delusional, but if i couldn't even be the best in my small, miserable town, I could never compare to the big boys in college and in the industry.

I am lost now. My life is falling apart. I have absolutely no idea what to do with my life. I don't want to go to college. I wanted to be a cop for awhile but when I got arrested I realized I just couldn't ruin the lives of kids making innocent mistakes. I've never been interested in trade school, and the few trades I'm interested in require college.

I really feel like I'm drowning. It's been a difficult month without my boyfriend so I know these next 6 months will be excruciating. I don't know what I'm going to do in exactly one year because that's when college starts. I hate the town I live in so much. Obviously, I've fallen into the same cycle of drugs and crime as all of these other kids. I want to leave Tennessee so badly. There is nothing here for me, but I feel like I'm trapped. I feel like I have no other option but to live here for another three years to go to a community college for "free." No one is offering me help. They all say I HAVE to go to college. I want to make my own path but what else could I do? I don't know. I am scared and I don't want to grow up. I used to want to grow up, but reality is hitting me. I don't miss high school at all. I don't want to go back, but I don't want to move forward either.

My life is meaningless. I feel like I have no purpose in this world.