Growing up, my parents always drank. Always got drunk, and I always thought it was normal. I had my first drink at about age 10 or 11. By the time I was 14, I was getting shitfaced drunk whenever possible. I thought it was normal. By age 15, I was drinking, smoking weed, and stealing cigarettes. Sneaking out was too easy, just wait for my parents to get drunk, pass out, and I’d just walk out the door. I’d make out with any boy that was nice to me, or made me laugh. Eventually, I met my now fiancé. I was about to turn 16 at the time. He was my saving grace at that time, he made me forget about my problems. He took care of me. He didn’t drink or do drugs, so when I would get shitfaced or high he would take care of me, take me home, give me a glass of water, and tuck me into bed. He was the parent I should have had. As I turned 18, I stopped living that life, started going to the gym, trying to be the person I wanted to be. But, as my parents alcoholism stopped being beneficial to my bad habits, I realized how wrong it was. How it affected me growing up, and I’ve started to resent them. Instead of being tucked into bed as a child, I was picking my mother up off the floor and tucking her into bed. A 9 year shouldn’t feel like they should have to take care of their parents. Sometimes I wish they had just let my grandparents take care of me, my grandparents are wonderful. They’re the parent every child could wish for. They taught me how to use a fork and knife, they’d make me a huge breakfast before school when I’d stay at their house. They were amazing.

Eventually I moved 9 hours away, but I’m back for a couple weeks for my wedding. My parents are drunk, and its just so hard to stand them. When my father is sober, he is a kind, caring, great dad. When he is drunk, he makes me uncomfortable. And I don’t like to say that. But he says inappropriate things. For example, As I was saying goodnight to my 7 year old nephew, I gave him a hug. My father said “Oh, why don’t you just take him to bed with you?” in a way that sounded... like he was insinuating something. Also, the kids have a stormtrooper toy that kinda looks like a mans private part. As I was saying goodnight to the rest of my family, he said “You gonna take the stormtrooper to bed with you??” and I said “No.” and he replied “Whhhhy? He’s gonna keep you.. safe” . I didn’t say anything and I just went back inside. I wanted to cry. I hate seeing them like this.

Over the years, I’ve tried talking to them about this a thousand times, they just brush me off. They think I don’t know what I’m talking about, simply because I’m the youngest. They think they deserve to drink, just for “raising” us children. I disagree. Maybe one or two drinks is okay, but getting drunk every chance you get isn’t. I love my family, and I hate that they’ve put me in this position. I feel like I can’t be around them. I hope that one day, when I have kids, they won’t be like this. Because if they are - I won’t let them see my kids. They already don’t give a shit if my niece and nephew see them drunk, and it’s not okay. I don’t want it to be this way, but I feel like I’m going to break. I’m going to fall apart.

I’m not even having alcohol at my wedding, because I know if I did - that memory would be ruined forever.

I just wish this would end. I wish I had a better childhood, I wish I could be happy.