All I want to do is cry, but I don’t want James to worry or feel sad too. I can’t forget his face when he was crying when we lost nugget, and I don’t want to see him hurt again. I honestly just don’t know how to feel anymore y’all. I’m tired of hearing just wait, maybe it wasn’t time, you have to be patient, I’m tired of all of it!! It hurts like hell. It hurts like fucking hell. It’s not a piece of my heart that’s been ripped, it was way more then that. Everyday, I see someone new having their baby, and it honestly hurts like fuck. There I said it. I’m jealous of everyone who’s baby made it through. I know, wrong way to feel but it’s how I feel. Angry, confused, lost, hurt like fuck, sad like fuck, tired of being around kids. I’m bitter as fuck, and that shit hurts like fuck. Everyone just keep trying to make me push this under the rug like it doesn’t matter, and I’m tired of that shit!! It fucking matters. Two, not one, but two. I am losing my mind, I try to look sane, but I honestly lost it in January. And I don’t know who I can talk to, what to say, I just want to cry, and be held and to be told it’s okay, let it all go. I’m tired of feeling like this. I hate myself for losing nugget, I just don’t understand what I did wrong, I really don’t want to think like this, but I am in fucking pain and it won’t go away. I sink deeper and deeper into this black hole and it’s so hard to see a light