TTTS - Why me?

My boyfriend and I TTC and after 1.5 years (I have PCOS) we were able to get pregnant naturally. My doctors heard heartbeats 10 days ago but noticed the twins were monochorionic. I was 9 weeks yesterday when they told me they could not hear their heartbeats anymore. I was having identical twins (monozygotic: monochorionic diamniotic). Apparently since my scan 10 days prior they only grew one day. Basically, my missed abortion on both babies (first time pregnancy, first miscarriage) was due to Twin-to-Twin Transfusion Syndrome... I’m so disheartened that the doctor knew it was high risk last ultrasound and didn’t refer us to a Perintalogist. I keep thinking, “what if we did the 3rd scan sooner? What if we could have saved them at just 9 weeks? And if I should have gotten a reassurance ultrasound before the surgery was scheduled.”

The doctor told me yesterday, that he would need to schedule today a Suction D&C at the hospital. Which we did.... My heart is breaking. And I feel like a terrible mom. I no longer am pregnant.

Can anyone relate?