I don’t know what to think anymore.
I’m not 100% sure how to feel about this. I’m not sure it ever happened, or if I just think it did, but I’m also aware that I can be convinced that something didn’t happen really easily. So starting from the very beginning when I was younger, I didn’t tell anyone what this boy was doing because I was afraid of getting in trouble which is weird since I didn’t do anything wrong, but he used to push me up against the wall with his body and put his hands all over me, one time he said I had to sit next to him or else he would tell my mom who I was dating (I wasn’t dating anyone, but again I was afraid of getting in trouble.) so sat next to him and he tried to hold my hand I jerked away and told him no so then he kept trying to pinch and grope my butt, it was humiliating. Around the time I hit puberty, I stopped wanting anyone who was male touch me even my dad, I hate hugs and just any type of touching it makes me feel physically sick, except with my SO, he’s a completely different story, but sometimes (almost never) my SO is a boy btw, when we do “things” I kinda have an internal freak out where I have to remind myself that it’s him and he would never hurt me. Anyway once I was home alone I was singing and dancing and making food, and all the sudden I couldn’t breathe and I just started bawling my eyes out and not being able to breathe idk how long, it felt like a medium time it that makes sense it was both quick and long, eventually I calmed down and I guess started looking online for something to explain what that was and I somehow wound up reading about childhood trauma and how if it happens often you might not remember. This is where it gets weird, I have these disgusting and disturbing fantasies of rape with not my actual father or brother but still the titles of father and brother raping me, I hate it, I think it’s gross but I don’t know how exactly to stop having the reaction I have to them. A few months ago my sister told us she was molested by....our brother. How fucked up is that, our fucking brother we grew up with him. What are the odds of it happening to me too? He definitely had many opportunities not like anyone expected him. I haven’t breathed a word of this to anyone especially if I don’t remember it makes me feel like everyone will just think I want attention of something, I hoping you guys will tell me I’m crazy, I don’t want this to be real and I just feel gross and disgusting. Also sorry for beating around the bush so much.