Yesterday would have been my baby's due date.

January 17th is the day I found out I was going to be a mom! Finally!

I lost the baby two days later. It was like it almost hadn't happened. But it did. And I was in love with those two lines and the full feeling in my belly. I willed that bean to stay with me. And it broke me when it didn't. I still feel the emptiness every day.

I have been pursuing being a mom ever since with such ferocity. I told my doctor I'm not waiting around to be a mom anymore. After 7 months of regular cycles and positive opks. I asked for help.

Clomid, I was sure, would be the answer. I'm sure the Dr thinks I'm not ovulating for what ever reason. So I took it and I'm 9 days late today.

One negative pregnancy test after another I'm convinced I'm not pregnant. I am however angry!

The timing is shitty! Its fucked up. Its put me in a place so miserable I'm ready to turn in the towel. Quit. To stop trying. The month my baby would have been born has been the worst on this journey so far.

Tomorrow might be the day I tell my doctor no more. No interventions. No meds. I quit.

But out of the darkness I still have this instinctive, maddening, desperate desire to be a mother.