I’m just not sure what to do at this point in my marriage. I’m going to make this short and sweet so bare with me. **Backstory, we have an agreement on porn that it is fine as long as I’m not in the mood. No choosing porn over sex because he knows how that effects me and our relationship.**

A few weeks ago my husband said he was really in the mood, I said we can revisit that thought as soon as the kids are in bed. He knows that means yes once the kids are asleep. I was nursing our daughter to sleep when he, seemingly jokingly, said “alright I’m going to go jerk off now.” I laughed and said alright thinking he was joking since I had already agreed to see. He wasn’t. He locked himself in the bathroom to jerk off. This upset me because he choose porn over sex with me and wouldn’t even let me in so we could do stuff together. We got into a little fight and moved on.

A few days later I said I was in the mood and he said he desperately wanted sex too. So I nursed the kids to bed while we watched a movie then moved them into their cribs when it was over. He left the room and spent an hour posting about an iPod he has for sale. Came to bed and I was already half asleep and he said ok we can have sex now. I got upset that he just bailed on sex because posting his iPod was more important than spending that time with me.

A few days later he comes to me and says he’s super horny, can we have sex. I say yes but I was in the middle of making lunch so it would have to wait until after lunch. We finish lunch and I keep making comments about us being done and the kids being up soon. Nothing. He was too wrapped up in a movie to do anything.

Here’s my thing, I was sexually abused as a kid and verbally abused as a teenager. We’ve been married 4 years and I legitimately told him just the night before he picked porn over sex with me that I was finally at a point where I felt like I wanted to actively try to give BJ’s often and allow touching of myself. I’ve always struggled to do both because past stuff but I was finally at a place where I was ready and felt safe pushing myself to do that for him. The very next day he started pulling away and doing things he knew were against what we had promised. It’s been 2 weeks since the last incident and I haven’t been able to bring myself to have sex with him. Now that I don’t want it he is all over me telling me how bad he wants sex and how sexy I am. He’s trying to initiate sex and being incredibly sexual. Like WTF? I want you to be like this and you pull away. Now I need space and you can’t keep your hands off me. It’s like it’s 10x more appealing when you know you can’t have it. He’s a super nice guy. He’s the take home to meet your parents guy. It’s just when it comes to sex...ugh... I don’t know. How do I get to a point where I feel safe and comfortable having sec again?

**This is not a porn debate. He knew my feelings on porn long before the thought of dating entered either of our minds. I didn’t ask him to change, he did that of his own free will. We are ALL allowed to have things that just don’t fly in our relationship.**