I have to...

Tomorrow I have to go pick up my mom's ashes and I don't know if I can. I have this empty feeling rushed behind a streak of anger at the world. I lay here looking at her picture saying all the things I had a chance to say to her. If I would have known that my last hug was then.. I would have held on just a little longer ... I'm so messed up from this and I don't even know where to begin to pick up the pieces.

I look at that picture and I feel this ache inside me like my chest is empty. Thinking about going to pick her up in a urn of ashes... That and memories and questions are all I'm left with and it's eating me alive.

Momma I love you. I'm so sorry I wasn't there.. I'm so sorry I wasn't there for you to give you a kiss and a hug and wasn't there to tell you I forgive you for everything and that I love you. I missed out on so much... I'm so sorry god I just want to go back... And redo everything please just let me hold her small tiny little frame again in my arms.. to feel her... To hear her... I needed her and still do

UPDATE: I picked them up today and I haven't even really accepted it... I don't think it's ever going to wrap around that my mom is in a container and I have one of them. And she's gone.... I'm not sure whats coming up next but I'm sure it's gonna be the extreme end of something