I hope this helps one person *trigger warning
This is going to be so long. Apologies upfront.
I’m 32, married Mother. I’m going to tell you about my parents relationship my ENTIRE life. In hopes that it says one woman from turmoil her entire young life.
You see my parents met when they were young teenagers they didn’t date until my dad was 18 my mom was 20. (Their families lived in the same apartment complex) Well my fathers mother was desperate to get him out of her house because she had a new man in her life and didn’t want anyone to ruin her meal ticket. So my parents moved in together. Shortly after they became pregnant with me. Two young people coming from the ghetto trying to make ends meet stayed together. My mom says that just a few weeks after I was born she got wind that my dad was cheating so 32 years ago there were no cell phones no internet websites just good old hear say. Well my aunt and my mom drive by this girls house and see my dads truck and him and another woman inside. What do two girls from the ghetto do? Confront everyone involved. My dad jumped out of the car so quick and told my mom “it’s not what you think! Stop being crazy” while my aunt is on the other side of the truck telling the girl to open the door and get out. My aunt wanted to beat this woman up in rage, but instead they left. My parents ended up staying together because well life and no one told them it’s not healthy to cheat, lie,etc. At the time my mom was making something like $14/hour when minimum wage was I believe less than $5 at the time. Pretty much she was making the dough she didn’t need my dads money but she stayed anyway. My entire childhood was nothing but drama, I’ve realized growing up that my dad is nothing but a “grown” kid. He never wanted to get married (and they didn’t until I was 9 yrs old I’m court only I was there to witness it). My dad had been so coddled by his mother that he threw tantrums my entire life if he didn’t get his way. He still does. So before they even got married I had seen them argue constantly. One time when I was 7 I seen my dad push and punch my mom while I watch tv in the living room. I remember the bathing suit I was wearing because she was taking me to the pool that day. My dad would “leave” constantly for a week or two at time and they would always get back together. Apparently the physical and verbal abuse was worse behind closed doors. He has dragged her across floors, punched kicked etc to her.
Okay so now they’re married and they decide let’s buy a house!! The American Dream right? So they move about an hour away from family. I guess they thought things would get better? I don’t even know. I distinctly remember him “leaving” at least 5 times before they got married so I don’t know why they ever thought this would work or solve any problems. So off to this new house we go. It was always fighting. Always. The holidays give me tiredness and anxiety because it’s always been worse for us around that time. My dad always felt his mother and siblings were his “family” putting them before my mom and I all the time. So fast forward to when I’m 12, they tell me I’m going to be a big sister. This pregnant is completely planned they had been trying to conceive for 6 months (my mom told me this as an adult not child haha). I was pissed. I mean livid, everyone thought I was mad because I was no longer going to be in the “spotlight” but I was pissed because how could they knowingly bring another child into this shitty family. How could they make another child suffer through the things I heard and seen? How could they think they were even remotely good when every thanksgiving came by and it was constant arguing until after the new year. Well my dad wanted a son that’s why! Well he got his wish. My mom gave birth to my little brother. Well growing up my father and his family have always been homophobic, my mom on the other hand was not and accepted everybody. So my dad has been verbally abusing my brother since he was 4 years old. I’ve heard my brother being called all kinds of mean things “bitch” “pussy” and “stop acting like a girl” are just a few. I should have said earlier that in front of family we always had to pretend to be this perfect loving family. My dads siblings and mom would he was such a great dad. He has everyone fooled. They would praise him for having a job our whole lives and putting a roof over our heads. As if we asked to be here as fetuses. Mind you my mom has worked my entire life. Like I said he had this double life we were living. Which I guess a lot of people can say right? Life just kept getting worse for my brother. My dad tried to fight him when he was 13. I mean fist fight him, there’s still a hole in the door from that night. My dad has tried to fight my brother numerous times in his young life. My brother used to wake up and have such bad anxiety every morning he would take a shit and throw up as a teenager. My dad would ruin everyone’s good time, everyone’s fun because it wasn’t fun to him. Have you ever lived life walking on eggshells? It’s miserable. There were nights in my life I thought “he’s going to kill us, we aren’t going to survive tonight. It’s like he’s seeing red.” So anyways, now that my brother is away in college hours away from home, my parents are empty nesters. They look at each other and there’s nothing there. About a month ago my mom filed for a divorce. My dad has a mistress and has had one for months. He told my brother he wants nothing to do with him, disowns him etc. my dad took away the car he bought him as a present for Christmas so he can now drive his mistress around in. He’s told him he’s not going to help pay for his schooling or housing because he wants more money to spend on the mistress. My parents still live under the same roof and it’s been nothing but stress, anxiety and drama. It’s weird that it’s finally happening after all of these years.
Listen if you see red flags like this please leave. Leave for yourself, leave for your kids! It’s not easy I’m sure of it but it’ll be worth it. Now my mom has (knowingly) wasted 35 years of her life with my dad. 35 years of her own happiness.
Sorry this was so long!! Thanks for reading.