I am at my breaking point today. I can’t handle it anymore. The strain of infertility has finally broken me. I’m beyond done having the fear of god that I’ll never be a mother in the forefront of my brain. The pressure of tracking everything and symptom spotting has broken me. The off cycles and dealing with my PCOS has broken me, I’m just a husk of the woman I was before i started this journey. I have no hope left in me. Only bitterness and tears. I have no energy left for doctors and speculation and specialists. I’m done with all of it. This feeling of hopelessness has completely overtaken me. I feel like nothing matter to me anymore. I don’t know how to handle this apathy I’ve developed. I’m not the person I was. I’m restless and not content. Nothing pleases me. My bitterness and apathy make me hate myself. I can’t fix anything or do anything or control anything. I can hardly get off the couch and function as a human. Cycle day 1 number what feels like a million with nothing to show but failure. I want to scream at people when they ask about kids. That’s the way I describe myself-broken. I have nothing else right now.