I hate being a mother

My daughter is 1.5 (20 months if you’re technical). I love her more than anything. I hate being a mother.

My daughter had colic/reflux/gerd the entire first year. I honestly cannot think of a time that she wasn’t crying. There are very few moments I can remember where she was happy. My sister now has a baby who is three months who smiles a LOT and I’ve only seen him cry once (and we are around each other often). I’ll go back to pictures and videos of my daughter and there’s nothing happy in them.

My daughter has since continued to cry. And scream. And throw things. And hit. And pinch. And scratch. And gets worse daily. I ignore the behavior but that only makes it worse.

She is very smart. She speaks a LOT of words and makes sentences. She CAN tell me what she’s freaking out about, but usually she is just freaking out. She loves certain things. But she seems to really hate mostly everything.

I can’t get anything done because the second I go to (for example) the kitchen to wash dishes, she throws things and we have holes in the walls. And they’re things like her toys- we have baby proofed. She purposefully makes herself puke when I go to do laundry downstairs. If I bring her with me she still tantrums and throws things everywhere.

Sure, I have once in a damn blue moon where she cooperates and doesn’t have a full breakdown.

I battle mental illnesses, yes. But I am consistent with my treatments. I am very calm with her and do everything in my power to give her a good life even if it means that she’s going to pull my hair the entire time. I read her books, try playing with her, take her outside, take her to playgrounds/indoor parks. I try to do “motherly things” and it’s like I’m doing nothing. I fail at everything I try.

I cannot handle being a mother. Why is this happening? Is something wrong? Her doctor has never said anything? She seems ahead of other children her age and even children older than her so it’s not like she’s falling behind?

***** AGAIN don’t think I don’t love my daughter because I love her more than anything despite everything she puts me through.