I don’t know what to call it

Hi there, this is kind of a hard story to tell without too many details.

Basically, I have this friend who I cut out from my life after he did something shitty to me emotionally. We both lost all of our friends over summer, and are hopelessly alone and depressed, so somehow we started talking again, I told him I forgive him, because I do.

We’ve been talking and I’ve been checking in on him a lot because I’m quite worried about his well being. Last night his parents weren’t home and so I told my mom I was going to study. I went to his house and we talked for a while and eventually were getting more touchy with each other, like holding each others wrists and such.

Then, at one point, I was laying on his bed and he climbed on me, telling me nice things about how he likes the way my body is and I shouldn’t be insecure. Then, he said that I have always been right in front of him and that he was blind and we made out for like four seconds before I pulled back and i was like woah...

I told him that I don’t want to do any sexual shot with him because I’m not healed from previous trauma in my last relationship. We settled to be cuddle buddies, and so we cuddled for the rest of the night, giving each other pecks every now and then.

I think the idea of cuddling and such is really good, because we are both so touch deprived, and he has tried everything to make himself feel better. We both have gotten better since we’ve started being friends again.

Long story short, I don’t know how to feel and I don’t know what to do or how to go about this. I want to keep it going, I don’t want to be in a relationship, I have to keep everything a secret between him and I.

Can I get some advice or consolation? Thanks girls :)