Hi. In advance, I apologize for how lengthy this will be, despite my efforts to keep it short. Quick background on me to help you relate (if only a little) to the mental baggage i carry.

My name is Ruth. i’m 18. i recently withdrew from my first year of community college. my GPA is a 3.7, but i lost the passion for school a while ago. i’ve battled severe depression for 3-4 years now, my lows are like canyons and my highs are like mountains; i can keep the dumb happy contentment going until something bad happens, and then reality hits me like a train off rails. My dad and the males in his family have schizoaffective disorder. my family has a very broken history. my mom isn’t from the US, she was born and raised in the philippines. her views on life and religion are very different from mine. her and i have never had a good relationship. recent scandal (2yrs-recently) is to blame for my resentment towards my father.

Now to the main topic:

I’m currently 12w+3days with baby. Upon first finding out, my immediate reaction was to have an abortion because 1. my parents would kill me and 2. me and my bf couldn’t support it on our own. When my mom finally found out, she sat me down and we cried and she stressed that she was very against abortion. she’d rather help me raise the baby than see me experience that loss. so a weight lifted off my shoulders, i canceled my abortion appointment for the next friday and told my bf. my mom told my dad before i could- he and my mom were split up, on bad terms, and she wound up cancelling their divorce and basically moving him back into our home. I’m still carrying a lot of bitterness towards him.

Fastforward to now:

there is so much stress on my heart. my bf won’t even tell me yes or no if he wants our baby and obviously that’s a no. if he would just give me a straight answer i could find some peace and use his answer to make my decision: keep the baby, or adopt.

what’s been tearing me up inside is that deep down i don’t even know if i want this baby. mothers to be are supposed to be sick, but excited. scared, but overjoyed. they’re supposed to have those emotional pregnancy reveals to their spouses, where the guy cries and they hug, but i didn’t have that. my bf was very supportive, but i instead got the immediate feeling of shame in my gut.

i feel like such a failure to admit that i’m too scared of the real life responsibilities that i’ll have to own up to if i don’t keep this baby. get a job and go back to school. i feel so guilty that i view having a baby as a ticket out of adulting and a way to just stay home all day. no matter if it’s to take care of a huge responsibility. my mom supported me keeping the baby, but mostly she makes me feel like i’m very unproductive, that i do the bare minimum, she never can answer me nicely, i’ve always felt like a disappointment to her.

i cry all the time now. i just want to disappear. since junior year i’ve lugged around the reality that i don’t have any purpose. i have some dreams but no fight in me to make them reality. no ambition to do anything. and i’m scared of the real world because everyone needs to have this drive and i’m supposed to have this drive and i want to have this drive but i can’t fucking find it in me and i feel like such a fucking coward and a psycho for wishfully thinking that God really gave me this baby with a convenient plan to get me out of my pointless future.

Am I very wrong for feeling this way??? How do I go about feeling better mentally and emotionally?? Should I keep my baby? Help