When Cheating Isn't an End All
Sorry all my posts are so long I try to keep them as short as possible but like to explain things etc. ><
TLDR: My bf cheated on me (had sex with a coworker) and considered doing it again. It hurt but we talked and moved on and now have an openish relationship. Though this is because I have a open minded thought process and seperate sex and emotions etc. Read on for the drawn out version feel free to comment or message me with any comments or questions :)
I just felt like making a post about this as I haven't really talked to anyone about it I don't really need too but it was more I wanted to share because I know it is going to be an opposing opinion to most of the people on this app... most people in general really haha
I'm going to start by saying my thought processes are really liberal, open minded, alternative, in depth etc etc and I don't expect a majority of people to understand I don't mind negative comments but just keep that in mind
Also I'm not saying everyone should remain in a relationahip after cheating... In most cases they probably should break up because it is probably a toxic or lacking relationship
My story I've been with my boyfriend since 1/12/14 we are serious and own a home and have 2 dogs together. On Christmas 2017 while I was at work he had sex with a female coworker. I assumed what had happened from suspicious fb messaging activity (deleteing her messages) and then I went to work a couple days later (like the 27th or 28th) but got sent home to find my bf wasn't home and at 8 am that was highly unusal as he works 2nd shift so sleeps in. Turns out he was at the store but he had messaged her to see if she was up (she wasn't). I confronted him and he admitted to having sex with her.
It broke me I won't lie told myself I didn't care if he did cheated on me but I cried a lot for days (and I don't cry for much). It was completely physical on his part he loves me it was just our own sex life for the prior 4 months or so was severaly lacking. As I was depressed and self concious and had picked up a 2nd job and then switched 2nd jobs so was just busy and tired. He was starting to think I wasn't attracted to him or what not. These aren't excuses why the cheating was okay but just to explain what led up to it.
We had a lot of talks and he cried because I cried so much. I also had talks with the girl he cheated on (mostly civilized though I did change her fb messenger nickname to whore or something lol) After this happened I lost one of my jobs and made more of an effort sex wise and we started having more sex a bit more frequently our work schedules were still a bit opposite.
Fast forward to this September fb messenger glitched out on my Ipod and a chat head popped up from a deleted secret conversation between him and the girl he cheated on me with from a month prior in August. Since the last time I got a new job and left my other job so our schedule work out a bit better sex wise but I also had a minor surgery to remove a vaginal/anal cyst a couple months prior so was in pain diwn there before and after having it removed etc so our sex life had dropped off a bit again. Anyways I was at work they were both drunk and he was horny. They swapped nude pictures and he considered going to have sex with her again but instead they just video chatted as he jerked off. After I saw the messages I confronted him again and cried again.
Now when it comes to cheating it isn't the sexual parts that upset me I don't care about thay part at all. It is the lying, hiding, lack of open communication leading up to it etc. So we talked some more and I decided to semi open our relationship with a set of guidelines. Basically he is allowed to have sex with other females and we can have ffm threesomes (I doubt he would mind if I went solo with another girl but it hasn't come up yet.) Now I know what this sounds like to most people but I assure you it isn't and wouldn't suggest it as a solution for most people as it isn't a solution for keeping a bf. This just happens to work in our situation I consider myself pansexual and always thought I had a mind set that would be fine with open relationships or even having polyamarous relationships as I seperate sex and emotions very well. Who am I to deny someone sexual experiences when we only have this one life and I think new experiences and people would be fun too.
That being said I'm not sure if my bf fully has the same mindset as me and by opening the relationship I am in a sense opening it to a slight risk of emotions getting involved with someone else down the line and hurting our relationship. Though that could happen irregardless and feel it is more likely if our relationship was closed. Our relationship is solid when it comes to everything else and now with opening the relationship I hope that encourages the last openess in sexual communication thay lacked before the cheating.
We did start talking to one girl but she got back with her gf so that went back to a no go for now. Though me and him have been having a pretty great and frequent sex life again like typically at least 4-5 times a week if not more.
As I mentioned early in the post no one really even knows about the cheating. He has told his best friend and he told one of his younger sisters but that is it. My family is liberal but I don't know if they are THAT liberal and they wouldn't be okay with the fact he emotionally hurt me by cheating. His family is crazy and really wouldn't care as that is something that isn't really uncommon in their family with more unstable relationships. They would probably be a bit shocked. I'm just not wanting to make drama out of something even I've dealt with maturely. I don't have friends so even if I did probably wouldn't tell them.
I doubt many people have read this post because holy shit haha it is long but for aomeone who is going through dealing with cheating and what have you just to be able to see a different opinion and lifestyle choice etc. Also need to stop saying etc so much.