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Boyfriend choses games instead of me every time

I was reading an article on video game addiction in a relationship.

"let’s assume that the only regular time your boyfriend spends with you is during the commute to work or school and for an hour or so during dinner. Otherwise, when he has the option he spends all of his time at home with his favorite console or computer game. His evenings and weekends are devoted to video games, not you…or anything else.

There is nothing wrong with having some alone time, even when you are in a relationship – in fact it is actually quite healthy. The problem here is not that your boyfriend or husband plays video games – you would likely be just fine with occasional play as a way to distress or relax at the end of the day.

The problem is that when given the option, he appears to be choosing video games over you."

This is extremely accurate in my situation.. it continues on to explain that:

"feeling as though you are less important than a video game character is not what you were looking for when you entered this relationship. When someone is dating or married to a video game addict, it can have quite an impact on their self-esteem and their security in the relationship.

They may feel:

Unappreciated, Ignored,

Unimportant, Disrespected,

Unloved & Taken for granted"

This is exactly how I feel. It is horrible..

So is my boyfriend "addicted"?

"Video Game Addiction Test for Partners

1) My husband or boyfriend is happier when he is playing video games than when he is spending time with other people.

✓TRUE FALSE

2) My husband or boyfriend would almost always rather play video games than go out socially.

✓TRUE FALSE

3) My husband or boyfriend often plays computer games for hours every day even when other responsibilities are not taken care of (e.g., school, work, kids, household chores, etc.).

✓TRUE FALSE

4) My husband or boyfriend spends almost every evening playing video games.

✓TRUE FALSE

5) The work or school performance of my husband or boyfriend has suffered as a result of excessive computer gaming.

✓TRUE FALSE

6) It is common for my husband or boyfriend to stay up past midnight playing video games – and he is often tired the next day as a consequence.

✓TRUE FALSE

7) My husband or boyfriend no longer participates in sports or activities he once enjoyed and now devotes most of his time to video games.

✓TRUE FALSE

8) When I ask my husband or boyfriend stop playing and spend time with me (even if he has already been playing for hours) he gets angry or irritable.

✓TRUE FALSE

9) Other people have commented that my boyfriend or husband plays video games too much.

✓TRUE FALSE

10) My husband or boyfriend often eats meals while playing computer games rather than taking a break to eat.

✓TRUE FALSE

11) My husband or boyfriend lies about how much time he spends playing video games.

TRUE FALSE (✓depends)

12) My husband or boyfriend promises to just spend a few minutes playing computer games, but this often turns into hours.

✓✓✓TRUE FALSE"

Wow. Okay. It was scary how easy it was to confidently answer these.

So, what do I do?.....

"1. Don't offer to join him

"Yes, it is true that in some relationships both partners are gamers and enjoy spending time together in this way – it can happen. However, this usually develops naturally from a mutual, pre-existing interest in video games, and not from one partner who is desperately trying to be noticed and valued in the relationship. There are many problems with this “solution”, the most obvious being that it does not address the issue of choosing video games over your relationship. The person is still defaulting to gaming when given a choice. Simply being allowed to play with him is unlikely to make you feel any more important in the relationship. Saying “If you want to spend time with me no one is stopping you from picking up a controller” still sends the message that video games take priority over the relationship."

2. Don't call it an addiction to his face

"He will only become defensive and attack. When speaking about it, refer to it as any ordinary relationship problem"

3. Don't ignore it

"It won't go away. Confront him, share how it is making you feel, try to work together to fix it"

4. Don't settle for being less important than games!

"Asking that your boyfriend or husband spend more time with you than with computer games is not unreasonable!

When someone stops trying and their partner no longer feels special, appreciated, or important, this is the beginning of the end for the relationship. No one is in a relationship to be ignored – youcannot settle for this and do not need to compete with a video game for attention from your boyfriend or husband."

5. Try therapy

"if you need advice or a level headed mind if it turns into an argument every time""

Okay, so these are some things to keep in mind, although I'm pretty much doing them all already...

It isn't seeming to get anywhere..

"If he refuses all of these options and you strongly believe that obsessive computer use is harming your relationship (and how you feel about yourself), you need to seriously evaluate whether you can continue to invest time and energy into it. Talk to friends and / or family about your situation and ask for their advice or feedback. You may also want to book an appointment with a psychologist or therapist for yourself – this can be very helpful for generating ideas, reviewing your options, and deciding how (or if) to proceed with the relationship."

This hurts bad.

It hurts because it is brutally honest.

I have had this problem for 2 years. 2 years I have tried many different ways to change this, I've tried to level with him, I've suggested to start with a date night dedicated to 'us time', I've cried, I've begged, I've calmly conversed, I've screamed, I've tried to work with him. I don't know what else to do.

I have considered leaving. And just the thought rips me to shreds. But I know that I can't live like this any longer. And I shouldn't have to. But I'm so madly in love..

What do you do when you're so deeply in love with the cold, lonely back of a boys head?