#whyididntreport

Scrolling through Facebook recently I have seen a lot of those #whyididntreport posts. So I figured I’d share my story. It’s kind of long.

I was 19 freshly out of high school it was 2012 and I thought I knew everything. I had an extremely bad reputation for sleeping with many guys which was true at the time. I fell in with the wrong crowd and started experimenting with smoking cigarettes and marijuana. I knew that I shouldn’t have started doing those things but hey I was young and EVERYONE was doing it. Since I was a female getting my hands on marijuana wasn’t hard, I pretty much consensually had sex with guys in exchange for them smoking me up. After a little bit that got old so I went to the source instead. I started hanging out with my dealer on more of a one on one basis. I knew he had a girlfriend, but I still had feelings for him. That was the naive stupid young girl in me. Before him I had never cared about guys having girlfriends I considered it to be more of a challenge. This time it was different I actually wanted to get to know him and take things slow because I had really liked him. One day he texted me and asked me if I wanted to hang out, he would smoke me up. I thought yes this is my chance to hang out with him. I told him I only had about an hour or two because I had to pick up my friend from high school when she got out. He said it was cool so I made my way over to his house( didn’t get dressed up or anything special.) He had the blunt ready before I even got to his house, and by this time I was a full fledged stoner and knew that one blunt was not going to affect me to bad. This time it was different, I started to feel funny afterward and very nauseous. I didn’t think much of it at the time but I think he laced the blunt with something other than weed. He invited me to go downstairs and hang out in his room. Since I wasn’t feeling the greatest I said yes because I just needed to sit down. When we got downstairs he told me I could sit on his bed because there was no where else to sit so I did. He did a few things before sitting next to me. Next thing I knew he was laying down, trying to get me to do the same even though I didn’t want to. He had managed to overpower me. (I was 105 lbs 4’11”) he pulled me on top of him which I just kind of laughed it off because nothing was happening and I was the highest I had ever been. He had pulled my head down to him and he kissed me. That was as far as I was willing to go and he knew that but he wasn’t willing to stop there. He held me on top of him while he undid his pants and pulled my yoga shorts to the side and slid himself inside me. I said no multiple times and even fought him to let me go. (I remember almost hitting my head off his headboard trying to get away.) Even though I fought as hard as I could I wasn’t strong enough and he had finally let me go when he had “finished.” It was the longest 5 minutes of my life and I was absolutely mortified and embarrassed. I left his house as soon as that had happened and went to pick up my friend from school. I sat in the parking lot waiting for her to get released feeling so sick to my stomach. I had ended up throwing up, my head was spinning and I just wanted to cry. I couldn’t comprehend at the time what had just happened but I played it off as if I was okay. If all that happening wasn’t horrible he texted me the same night saying “I know you didn’t want it but it was so good.” He knew that I didn’t want it but turned out to be a bet with his friends that he could sleep with me. His girlfriend ended up finding out but he lied to her so she also harassed me. Texting things like “you know you wanted it, why else wouldn’t you use a condom slut.” I was so mortified I told no one. Shortly after I contemplated suicide numerous times with several failed attempts because I felt like it was all my fault. I was tortured by him his family and his girlfriend. Had I not gone there it would have never happened. I never told anyone about it I was completely disgusted with myself. I feared no one would believe me because he had already told everyone it was consensual. I kept quiet for years while I continued my troubled life. I tried to put it in the past kept my mouth shut and tried to live the most normal life I could despite having frequent flashback of that day. Fast forward to 2018 ( he has 3 kids 1 daughter 2 sons and I have a son myself. ) since that happened I have only ever told one person in the 6 years since that happened, my boyfriend only because I needed him to understand why I become withdrawn sometimes and why I refrain from sex for periods of time as well. He understood and was very supportive. Other than my boyfriend I kept quiet all these years that was until I received a phone call at work that would change everything. On my sons fathers Facebook page (the guy and my sons father are friends) the guy who did that to me had posted “I raped robs baby mama.” The lies he told the secret I kept was all out in the open for the whole world to see. I became mortified and had to relive it all over again, except for the first time he was admitting to raping me. My mother and father found out, after 6 years of keeping this huge secret in fear of not being believed and slut shamed I have finally agreed to seek help for my mental wellbeing and have also thought about finally pursuing this matter legally. #WHYIDIDNTREPORT

I truly believed that this type of stuff only happened to me and I was alone, until I seen all the strong women stand together and post their stories and I realized I wasn’t alone.