I am fat.

Growing up, I was always fat. My parents didn’t care what I ate, how I ate, or when I ate when I was growing up. I wish they did but they didn’t. My health has suffered from it and it is hard to lose weight. I work out, I eat well, and it’s hard.

My boyfriend, not in his best physical condition but completely against fat people. When he met me, I was 170, we got pregnant and I quit smoking, gained 70 lbs. He makes comments about fat people and makes comments about me and it just kills me from the inside. I hate that he thinks that way and I hate even more that he hardly supports good decisions I make for my health.

He says it’s not on him why I don’t lose the weight or am always unmotivated, but am I wrong that I count on him to be my support system as I get healthy? He and our daughter are my main focus. They eat well, they are clean, they were clean clothes, everybody is happy but me. Why? How do I focus on myself, my health, and my happiness... but still make sure they are happy and healthy?

I just......... why does this make me so sad? Why do I shame myself for feeling this way when he does nothing but say negative things about me? Just why? I’m so angry with him because I feel bad about myself. That makes no sense. That’s my problem, not his. Why can’t I motivate myself to go to the gym everyday? My daughter cries when I go to the gym and I get called out to take her. The gym isn’t even worth the stress anymore. I’m just so sick of it.

I feel like I would be happier if I lived the way I did before him. Eating hardly anything. Starving. Working out. Feeling better about myself, but also sad that I can’t love myself the way I am. Why is this such a hard thought to wrap my head around? Ugh. Obviously no more wine calories. Night.