Today is my birthday and I’m super depressed. Like wanting to cut or burn myself, and possibly more. I’ve been 22 months clean from self-harm but ever since I got back from vacation, I’ve been feeling this way. The guy I’m interested in told me he’s not romantically interested in me even though when I went to Hawaii to see him (he’s in the military and stationed there) he told me he loves me and was in love with me. I blame myself for it though because I slept with my abusive ex-boyfriend (the Marine is my affair. Marine knows about bf, but bf doesn’t know about the affair). I slept w him out of fear bc I was on vacation, 9 hours away from where I live so if I didn’t do anything, I was scared he’d kick me out, throw my stuff out and I’d have nowhere to go. I felt guilty, told the marine about it and yeah since then we’ve been talking less and less. I seriously wish I was dead.