Please do not judge me.. I just need to get it off my chest.

So, after 1 abortion, a miscarriage, & 4 tests of trying.. I'm finally pregnant.

December 19th 2013, I was taken into hospital with an early miscarriage & I had NO idea I was pregnant. I was heartbroken.. turns out, new years day I took another test and it was 'positive'. My partner and I hadn't been together very long, we didn't leave together, I wasn't working, & we were scared, I couldn't ever put myself or my family through the adoption process (I'm sorry, I just couldn't) so we went through with the abortion process. It was the hardest, most trying time of my life & the BIGGEST regret we have.

A few months after, I was diagnosed with PCOS.

We fell pregnant exactly a year later, we were over the moon & so excited. At 7W2D, we sadly lost our baby.

We made future plans, tried to put a brave smile on our face, we tried to 'get on with life' because people kept saying 'oh, your so young, it will happen when it happens', 'oh don't worry, it obviously happened for a reason and wasn't your time'. It was hard and I fell into depression, and became anxious about everything.

I've just found out I'm pregnant again, and we are over the moon. However, this wave of anxiety has hit me like a train, I've become paranoid and I just want to cry all the time.

I'm worried my darling husband won't want me once I'm 'heavily pregnant', as I'm already overweight. I'm worried I can't protect my baby & something bad might happen, and if it does, it's my fault for what happened (the abortion) all them years ago.

I have my first appointment in 12 days, and I'm so scared. I don't want to tell anyone close to me, because I always get the same, unwanted advice.

Did anyone else feel like this? 😔 I don't feel like I'm being grateful for my baby & I feel awful.