Dear “mom”

Dear “Mom,”

Thanks for leaving me at 3 and going in and out of my life for the past 26 years. Thanks for never wanting anything to do with me and finding me to be a burden that you never told you boyfriends you had kids, for never caring about putting me first. You ruined me. You left me with grandparents who raised me and did the best they could but the emotional roller coaster you took me on, turned me cold. Watching the verbal and physical abuse of you and your boyfriends took a toll on me. Almost being raped as a child and treated like I was dirt by your boyfriends made me feel like I was nothing. The alcohol, men and drugs were your #1 and I knew that. I was just always hopeful that one day you’d actually choose me.

I’m older now. Married with 3 kids. My love for them is unconditional and forever will be. I will never leave them behind or make them feel anything less than they are worth. I will build them up, support them, guide them, help them and believe them. I will take the time to understand how they feel and why they feel that way.

My marriage is an everyday battle. I don’t know how to trust and completely break my wall down. Anxiety is real and the anticipation of “maybe one day he will leave me too” ruins everything. Insecurities kick in and the control I have to have is crazy but I always told myself I will never be like you, I will never be controlled.

Here I am. Still feeling raw when I think back to those times in my life, staying strong putting my tough face on but inside I still feel like I’m failing when it comes to trust and love with my husband. You emotionally ruined me and now I have to keep fighting everyday to try and realize not everyone is out to abandon me. That I really do deserve love.

I thank my kids for filling that hole I had in my heart. They genuinely love me and care about me. They always see the good in me, even on my bad days. I get to be the mom you never were. Now when you’re calling my phone because you’re not doing so good with one of your boyfriends, it’s good to know I can just walk away and choose what I want. However, I will carry those memories and have a constsnt reminder to why I’m the way I am.