I never in a million years thought I’d be writing something like this. But these days, I’m finding if I don’t keep it real, I’m just sabotaging my own happiness. So here goes nothin...

I feel like I was robbed of my pregnancy experience by having my baby at 30 weeks. He was an IUGR baby and I went into preterm labor at 29 weeks and was put on bedrest. He was so tiny, I looked less pregnant and more like I ate one too many burritos. I didn’t have enough time to get stretch marks, I could still see my toes, and I hadn’t had a baby shower (or bought any baby supplies for that matter). 6 days into bedrest, I woke up at 1am with contractions. I ignored them. 15 hours later I finally went to the hospital to be checked because the clinic didn’t have time to fit me in. I made myself dinner, and didn’t bother packing a bag because I thought I’d be coming home. Booooy was I wrong!

I was contracting every 3-5 minutes but could still talk through them so I just thought “meh... Braxton-Hicks, maybe”. Upon arriving to L&D, to my surprise I was 4cm dilated 100% effaced and 0 station. I was started on Magnesium sulfate. After an hour, I was rechecked and had progressed to 5cm with a bulging bag of water. I also have a lengthy medical history involving some serious discomfort so I’m pretty good with pain. And although this was certainly uncomfortable, I felt like I could manage. Well, to make a long story short, within 1 hour I was being rolled back into the OR for an emergency c-section. All I could think about was “oh my god we don’t have anything ready! We didn’t take our birthing class! I didn’t write my birth plan or pack a hospital bag! He’s 2 months early!! Our families were supposed to be flying in from out of state close to my due date so they could be there for the delivery. Now there was no time for that. My mom, sister, and best friend were all going to miss it and we’re gonna have to do this alone. Just me and hubby. And let me tell you... we. were. TERRIFIED.

(I look like I’m just being goofy here but I was shook)

Got back into the OR to realize I can’t have normal spinal anesthesia due to a morphine allergy so I ended up with straight local anesthesia. Which means I had no pain control. The time came for them to pull my baby from my womb and the room went silent. I couldn’t hear the baby crying. It was like time stopped and I could’ve heard a pin drop. Then, a small squeak came from behind the drape. The high risk team took my baby straight to the NICU. I never got to see him. I told my husband to go with him and not leave his side.

The minute he left the room, a wave of pain and emotion washed over me. My uterus felt like it was going to explode. I got some high dose narcotic in my IV that wiped me out while they sewed me back up but was immediately in pain again upon awakening. Fast forward 3 hours later. I finally get to meet my baby. My beautiful 30 week old, 2 pound 6 oz peanut.

I’ve never felt emotion like that in my life. Earth shattering. Instant unconditional love. The force was strong.

I spent a grueling 6 days in postpartum. My pain was out of control, my incision looked like hell, and I had contracted postoperative endometritis. IV antibiotics for 6 days followed by a 14 day course of oral antibiotics upon discharge home. I was basically waiting for the yeast infection of my life.

Since being discharged, my life has consisted of pumping my boobs every 2 hours around the clock except for a 5 hour sleep break at night, and spending the rest of my time in the NICU loving up on my handsome little man... all while trying to recover from this uterine infection.

Unfortunately, the past 20 days of antibiotics has done a number on my gut flora and now i am hospitalized with c diff diarrhea and cannot go back to the NICU and risk exposing my little man and all the other sick babies to this shitty (pun intended) bacteria.

Guys, this hasn’t been easy. This is NOT how i envisioned the birth of my child and the weeks following his arrival. I wanted to wear the stretch marks with pride. I wanted to hear people ask when was I due because I looked like I was gonna pop at any moment. I wanted to go skin to skin immediately after birth and delay cord clamping. I wanted to stare at my son as he breastfed for the first time.

I say all of this to remind you that life doesn’t always go as planned. So carpe diem the shit out of your pregnancy and postpartum experience. And know you are a superhero for what your body is capable of enduring.

Thanks for listening!