Bear with me here, its long, but its to fully understand the situation at hand..

So, I've had posts previously describing my very much so toxic relationship with my parents. I grew up in a very unstable, mentally/physically abusive enviroment with them. I gave up hope at age 17 when the abuse escalated to my dad choking me on my bed and my mom turning away because she "couldnt watch" then turning around telling my family she couldnt say what happened because she didnt see... i left after that and refused to go back. i finally came to terms that they were toxic and abusive and no parent could or should do the things they have to their child if they truly loved them. They are still very manipulative, controlling, and disrespectful but have recently started making social media statements and comments at my family that they are "trying to change" so my family needs to "convince us to give them a chance". Theyve said this MANY times through the years and it always ends up being a fake act they put on in front of other people but behind closed doors still behave the same. My mom has even refrained from doing anything other than calling me because the things she says are just awful and i was "manipulating her" by showing my family after a huge disagreement about her "changing". My family has become very passive with her and now just gives in to avoid her temper tantrums and drama because they too, are exhausted. Recently, me and my SO agreed this was the LAST chance we would give. Of course, when i went to address our issues and why me and my SO dont trust her with our daughter alone (i.e. she plays favorite cards "gma J is your favorite gma you dont want gma V, you only want gma J", she speaks badly of us behind our backs for simply buying a house before them, buying new vehicles, and taking their chance to have a baby). We have caught her referring to herself and my father as my daughters "mom and dad" to her and we see that she has 0 interest in actually resolving the issues with me and my SO, she only wants to see our daughter and get her way with having her alone. she has become obsessed almost with trying to convince me she should have her alone. even went as far as to try making arrangments behind my back that shed pick her up from babysitter while i was at work and return her before i got off, i then, thankfully, had to find a new babysitter because i couldnt trust either. I explained kindly that in order for us to trust her relationship with my daughter to be one that is good for my daughter, we need to build trust and respect in our own relationship and take responsibility for the occurences that lead up to it (because i understand that they need to take accountability for their toxic and abusive behaviors, i was also a very difficult child at times. i know that im not 100% innocent, i just believe strongly that as a child, they should have found other ways to deal with it versus the abuse). I refuse to allow my daughter to witness the acts and behaviors i did growing up. She simply retaliated with "you act like we are trying to raise her. its just babysitting" and avoiding everything about fixing our own relationship, talking about we need to just come over more to see how their home life is. i explained im not concerned with her home life, im glad it is going well, but im concerned first with our DIRECT relationship and as that is fixed and healed, visiting comes with when we are more comfortable. She then completely blew off the fact that we have major issues to fix in our relationship and some very serious healing that needs to be done and then tried forcing her way into visiting which she knows is a no-no when my SO is not present because she becomes abusive when he is not around. we gave her a chance with that and she ended up hitting me at 8 months pregnant for not letting her plan his daiper party. So my question now is, i know it is going to make my family mad that i am over it and ready to remove the toxicity from my life and have even more little contact with my mother simply because she always drags the whole family into it to make me give in. I refuse to give in any more, because her true intentions show through everytime. I know the risk of losing family is there but its causing so much stress and anxiety and confusion in our own home now that its causing tension between me and my SO because we're so frustrated trying to unravel the mind games and the frustration of everyone saying "you dont give up on family no matter what". But, at this point its affecting my family im building. My daughter is 4 weeks old and i have yet to have a peaceful nonstressful day. even my labor she made about her and flipped out that i took away an experience not having her there and i left her uninformed causing her stress and completely ignored that i had serious complications and a 30 hour painful labor with no functioning epidural and my daughter had complications. she just bitched and didnt ask once what happened or if we were okay. And i personally believe family before is important, but the family i am building is more important and i just cannot allow myself to let my daughter think these behaviors are okay or anyone, ESPECIALLY family, has a right to treat you this way. I also fear what my mother would do with her behind my back, even if im at the same location i have a hard time turning away because we ask not to kiss on her (shes a newborn born right in cold/flu/rsv season) and she does it anyways. she was born with swollen airways so we ask that she not wear any perfumes on their first visit to avoid irritating her airways, she came in doused and smirking knowing we were mad and my daughter got reswollen and couldnt breathe to eat so her blood sugar dropped. There are so so many reasons. Im just trying to still be the bigger person and not give in to her fight and "blow up" because she plays victim and the "see, shes so mean to me, its not me, its her. she just hates me" and refuses to explain WHY i reacted such way. I cant get through to my family that i dont just pull these feelings out of my ass, i didnt wake up one day and decide to feel this way. so i need to find a nice way to explain that we will not be having her here every week, it makes us uncomfortable and anxious because she hasnt proven she can be respectable and understanding. I need to find a way to be as nice as possible so it cannot be turned against me and used to manipulate me back into giving, yet another, chance to "change" for the 2000 time in 20 years. 20 years is just too long and ive reached my absolute wits ends. Any and all advice is appreciated from a very, very stressed out momma