TMI, TRAUMATIC EVENTS

So I don’t even know where to even start really.

So maybe with what happened last night,

My partner really likes anal like really likes it I think a bit to much to the point that he needs help because of it :/

And he asked to go in my ass I said no.

Not that I should have to explain why I said no but I have bad bowls I dunno if that’s due to me having gallbladder removed or what but probably doesn’t help anyway so I had a bad day in that department and was sore.

However for the past couple of night he got my ass but that wasn’t enough for him( bearing in mind I can’t even remember the last time we had sex, and tbh I don’t even know if I even want to anymore as he always seems to manage to make that about anal too and more often than not resorts to cumming in there)

But last night when we was laying in bed( we only have a 2 bed house and twins so we staying down stairs atm) he decided to force himself on me and forced and grabbed me over the sofa I told him to get of me that I said no and he goes “no your taking it” I said no I’m not get of me now he didn’t get of me he pinned me covered my mouth I bite him but that just made he push harder and really hurt me

:(.

So i shouting at him and was crying. It’s as if he really didn’t care he wanted what he wanted and that was that, I’d even say he prob got of on the fact he was hurting he and using it as some sorta punishment

I told him “this isn’t love” “you need help”

He then made out I don’t want to ever do anything with him anymore I’m sat there sobbing thinking no not when you do shit like that! FYI ITS NOT THE FIRST TIME !!

Also I do think I actually need help myself but don’t really know what good it will do now but

When I was a child about 7/8 ish around that age.

I was anal raped.

By my uncle he use to grab me and tell me to get over the sofa while he stuck it in.

He always done it when I use to stay at my nans house at weekends I got to a point where i didn’t stay there anymore but then he stayed at ours. Then to add to all that my brother seemed to grope my ass this was more as I was a teenager. It’s only as I got older I realised completely what actually happened to me when I was a child.

I kept all this in for so long no one knows/knew untill I told my partner a couple of years after being together I thought it might help things and him knowing why I don’t like it certain ways and why it’s such a big deal as to why I’m even allowing him there and since opening it all back up again it hurts it’s a mind fuck and my partner says how can you go on like nothing happened how do you still talk to him.

Tbh iv brushed it all under rug and to back of my mind and hid it for so long what really is the point and bringing it up now and telling my mum and all that shit. And tbh I’m think hey it happened so long ago who the hell is gonna believe me now I was just a child :(

Well and truly mind fuck they whole lot of it :(

I really thought about leaving him how much more can possibly take can we manage to change it I don’t know if we can unless both agree to get help

I love him so much and it hurts me him saying I don’t just cuz I don’t have as high libido as him. I also thinking about our twins and what it will do to them.