I regret getting back with my abusive husband

I’m juggling between regretting getting back with my abusive husband two years ago after he cheated and beat me up for finding out. To not regretting it because I have a beautiful 13 month old daughter. (I got pregnant 2 months after). We have been together for almost 7 years.

But now while I struggle with lack of support and severe chronic nerve pain and unable to hold a job... I don’t know how to get out.

One minute I fear and dislike him, the next I love him so much and believe he will change. It isn’t always bad; its very subtle. He hasn’t hit me for over 2 years but he calls me names and yells at me for little things like not getting him a plate or telling my cousin I’m tired when he wants to hang out with her and her husband. Then he will tell me he never said those things or he will tell me I shouldn’t say certain things and he won’t yell at me. I know this is wrong but for some reason I forget what happens right after it happens. & then I start to feel crazy and can’t recall what happened or what I’m upset about.

I’ve been in a relationship just like this when I was 14 and I got out because I didn’t live with him and I had a lot of friends as support. But I got with my now husband my first year of college.

I’ve never had a healthy relationship before. This is why I will be heavily stressing the importance of NOT dating when you are very young and discovering yourself.

I want out and I know I need out but I’m afraid I won’t be able to support my daughter. I’m also afraid of what he will do if I leave. I’m in a town over from all of my friends and family and I haven’t told my parents, I’ve been keeping up a facade and I am ashamed. They are also very passive people. My sister is narcissistic and has been abusing my parents. I had to get them out of it. (It was easier since I was immune to her bullshit) but for some reason I’m not immune to my husband.

It’s really not an option for me to tell them because I’m afraid it will make things dangerous for them (he knows where they live)

I just needed to talk about it before I go crazy