Soooo this is gonna be super long, personal and rambling. Just a warning. Also mentions of rape, sexual harassment and suicide.

Alright let’s dive in. I’ve dated lots of people here is the list of the most prominent/relevant:

-🌸: I never dated her. She killed herself before I could ask her out.

-🚬: I dated him on and off. He sexually assaulted and raped me. He made me feel insecure and afraid of men.

-💾: I dated her for about 3 months, then we broke up because I knew she was hiding something from me. A few weeks later she came out as a transwoman and we are bffs now.

-⚙️: I dated him for a month. He is 💾’s long time bff and my bff now too. We’re on super good terms but I broke up with him because I was afraid to be intimate.

So here’s the situation:

I’ve never been broken up with so I tend to cause most of the “pain” in the relationship. I also blame myself for letting 🌸 die. Because of this I’m never vulnerable and move on really quickly. Well, I dated ⚙️ last June and I haven’t really moved on, despite me breaking up with him. I still really like him but am afraid to hurt him. He’s super sweet and if I could, I’d give him the world. He’s always so nice to me and helps me when I’m down. Not to mention he’s super protective of me and likes a lot of the stuff I do.

It’s really hurting me because I love hanging out with him and I wanna be with him but I don’t wanna hurt him like I’ve hurt all my exes with breakups. It hurts because he’s been saying since I met him, that he’s sick of dating. And right now, I’m sick of it too. I’ve dated a few people after him but I still really like him. I think I could even love him.

But I’m still afraid to be intimate due to what 🚬 did to me. I don’t think it’s fair to him to go into the relationship with this “I’m healing and I like you but I’m afraid” mentality. I wanna try again with him but I’m scared of being vulnerable and letting him know I’m scared because I’m the “tough” tomboy. He knows I am emotional and need support at times but I’m afraid of being like “I’m scared to have sex but I like you a lot and want to get over this fear with you. It’s gonna be a very slow and difficult process but I like you.”

My question is... should I express how I feel to him? Should I ask him out and talk this through and risk hurting him? I don’t want him to ever be sad or hurt because of me...

Obviously I can answer questions if you post in the comments if you have any. Thanks queens!