My boyfriend/children’s father is emotionally abusive. It’s hard for me to really sink that in, because he’s not always abusive 24/7 of course. He blames me for the way he treats me because he says I am crazy, hormonal, too emotional, etc. and that It brings him so much frustration that It causes him to say terrible things, cuss, yell and call me names, all that jazz. I have given up trying to talk to him, especially during fights because It ends up in a gaslight situation. He makes me feel insane. Like I’m not remembering correctly or it didn’t happen. Or he asks me for specific examples- yes specific, of what he said and when exactly. He pretends he doesn’t remember or It didn’t happen. I’m losing my sanity. I cry, I just end up yelling “please just stop” because I’m losing my mind from the treatment. I couldn’t imagine this 24/7. Thank god there are decent moments I can breathe.

He tells me things like:

You’re not a good catch

No one will want to put up with you

You’re psycho

You’re such a bitch

I’m so ducking done with you

I fucking hate toy

You’re useless, worthless, can’t do anything

You can’t even handle caring for our kids alone or keeping the house clean

The list goes on and on

My mom is an alcoholic. She’s not an abusive one, but has a problem. She drinks a bottle of tequila every few days by herself. She smokes a pack every two days. She has a gambling problem and has for many many years now. I think she is depressed and I’m not sure I could lean on her. Not to mention, she lives across the country with 6 dogs and my step dad and they are not happy together.

I don’t want to go live with them in a 2 bedroom house with my two boys. Not to mention I sold my car and don’t work so I can’t really get us there. I’m stuck here, alone.

I don’t want to be a parent anymore. I’ve always wanted kids, I love my boys. But I feel depressed. This is NOT how I wanted a family. Why couldn’t I have just picked a better guy? Before him I was in school, working at a great job, had a great car and a great life going for myself. He came in like a tornado. I don’t want to live without my boys, but idon’t feel i am or can be a good parent given my circumstances. I don’t want my boys to become their father. Or to ever treat me that way because they see him do It.

I feel like I’m having a pity party.. but seriously, I feel so low and so STUCK in this. I just can’t handle anything anymore emotionally. I’m at my final breaking point.