I think I’ve potentially harmed my relationship to the point there’s no way to move forward in it, and my boyfriend and I will always have this issue that will never stop coming up.

My boyfriend and I have been together a little over a year and messing around for nearly 2. We have a son who is 2 months old.

To make this story short, multiple times I was cornered by my boyfriend to admit to cheating when I hadn’t. The way he has always explained his love for me is that I could do anything in the world and he could always forgive me for it. He has always said it’s not the action it’s being open with him so we can get into a deeper level in our relationship. Each time he would threaten to leave me and the fights would get so emotional and intense. Out of desperation I’ve admitted to things I never did. I lied and said I’ve had sex with other people. I would basically at first say, “okay fine I did it” but then he would want more and more info and when I wouldn’t be able to give it it would be right back to him saying we had to break up bc I wasn’t being honest. So I’d make up crazy elaborate stories. Looking back I hate myself for this. In June I confessed I was lying about it all to always try and keep him bc I thought if I just admitted to what he thought I was doing we could work it out and be happy. But all this has done is hurt our relationship big time. He doesn’t believe me when I say I lied about it all. We always end up talking about “what I’ve done” and now I just try and tell him “I told u I lied, but u will never believe me”.... I feel hopeless bc who the hell admits to doing things they didn’t do? He has always been able to go they my phone but I can’t go they his. He always changes his passwords and I really don’t try to hard for fear of what I’ll find. I just want us to be happy. He always says he’s found things in my phone but it’s not possible the things are from us being together, they have to be from before. But he swears it’s from us being together and that I’m lying and always hiding and deleting stuff but all I’ve ever done was try desperately to keep him and just always dig myself in a deeper hole . I feel like the universe is working against me sometimes bc I have never been more loyal to a person just to suffer, and I have no one to blame but myself