Rant about depression.

Hello!! I just wanted a place to rant for a bit, since I really need it right now. I don’t expect anyone to comment or even read this. I also am not doing this for pity, but solely for the purpose of getting all this shit out of my messed up head.

I have suffered from depression ever since I was around 8 or 9. I’m assuming the reason is because of my parents getting divorced at the time. My life has been a complete mess ever since then. I’ve felt so weird and not normal. I always tend to wear a mask for literally everything. Online, school, home, in public, etc. I currently have two friends which I absolutely fucking hate. I know they’re manipulating me and using me. I want to get away from the friendship but my insecure self just can’t bring myself to do it. It’s not that I’m scared of what they’ll do to me. It’s that I’m scared of being the “lonely girl” at school. I already seem depressed enough at school, not having any friends won’t help that. My depression gets worse every time. I just got out of a depression episode and I was so close to committing suicide. The only thing that was holding me back, was how scared I was of the pain I might’ve felt while killing myself. Imagine that. You want to kill yourself so bad, but you’re too much of a fucking coward to even do it. I’ve always kept this inside and have never told anyone about this, the details at least. This will probably be super long, since its literally been years. I’ve always kept everything to myself. The last time I told someone was my mom, but that was years ago. When I told her, I started to cry, and she started to cry too. She started to get really worried about me and I caused her stress. Ever since then I’ve never told anyone, because I’m afraid I might hurt them. I don’t tell my mom, because I don’t want to put her through all of that. It isn’t worth it for someone as useless as me. Sorry this is all over the place btw, as I mentioned earlier, theres A LOT to talk about. I started hiding all of my feelings. I wouldn’t cry in front of anyone, unless it was some sort of physical pain, like I tripped and scraped my keen or something?? But other than that I didn’t cry in front of anyone. Not because I wanted to seem strong or brave or anything, but because I didn’t want to make anyone else cry, or get hurt. Whenever I would be super stressed I’d just grab a towel and take a shower for the sake of crying. I couldn’t even really cry though, because I’d make sure I didn’t make a sound so no one would suspect anything. I can’t even remember the last time I had a really good cry. I’d cry myself to sleep every night, again not making a sound, but just having tears stream down my face. I have a lot of trust issues, and I can really only depend on myself. There’s been a couple times where my mom has insulted me. I know it was probably a joke and it wasn’t her intentions to add on to my depression, but it hurts so much to know that the one and only person you’ve ever trusted, ever truly loved, you look up to, given your entire life to, just hates you. During 7th grade it got pretty bad. However, I got introduced to this group called BTS. They completely changed my life, and if I didn’t meet them that day, I probably would’ve hurt myself, or worse would have stopped existing. After that it was a straight 6 month of just pure happiness and euphoria. Those were the best 6 months of my life, and probably will always be. A WHOLE HALF YEAR OF PURE HAPPINESS?? AND IT WAS REAL HAPPINESS TOO! I wanted so bad to believe that everything was finally going to be ok. That my life would finally be normal. That depression wouldn’t come back again, and if it did, I’d have BTS there to help me. Deep down I knew it was going to come back and it was always going to be there, but I just wanted for even a moment to believe that everything would have its happy ending. I was obviously wrong. When it did come back, it hit like a fucking bulldozer. It really got to me. I’m surprised I was even able to get out of that situation. I’m probably going to stop here, because no one even gives a shit. Ig if you want me to continue then just comment?? Anyways I probably won’t be alive for very long so yeah. Sorry for being so depressing. I wish the best for all of you though and I hope you all have an amazing day!