I’m five days late this month, and too scared to test.

Not because I don’t want this, but because I want this so badly.

Scared because PCOS is a BITCH. And I’m sick of thinking “This is it!” And then it not being it.

I’m sick of crying.

Sick of being jealous of every pregnant woman around me.

Sick of being called “jealous” and “dramatic” every time I have a break down when someone announces their pregnancy.

Scared that even after 3 years it still not gonna be MY TIME.

Scared and sick and tired of hearing “Your time will come” “Be patient” and the dreaded “It’s not in Gods plan yet”

Scared of breaking my fiancé’s heart yet again.

Scared of breaking my own heart all over again.

Scared of it not sticking.

But at the same time, I know I need to test. But I’m too scared. I’ve been nauseous for 3-4 weeks now. Smells, foods, textures ‘make me sick.