I cheated on my husband. Growing up I was a victim of sexual abuse. I was also molested by my grandfather from the ages of 7-12. I used to use sex as a way of being wanted and loved. It’s no excuse. One night I got really drunk with a girl friend I trusted and some guy and he gave us cocaine and kept pouring us shots. Eventually we wanted to give him a ride home because he was too drunk and has been snorting coke all day he said. He didn’t want to leave him car behind so I offered to go him him and have my friend follow us until we got to his house. He never went there. He had me in the car and it almost felt like he was kidnapping me. My friend kept texting me and wondering where I was at. I had no idea the street lights moved soo quickly. We drove to one side of town and next thing I knew we were on the other side of town in like 3 seconds. He was driving like a maniac. I felt scared for my life but didn’t day anything. I couldn’t think. He pulled his pants down while he was driving and shoved my head in between his legs. Half the time I didn’t know what I was doing. I felt like I was under a spell. Next thing I know he pulls over into a cemetery and shoved me down into the drivers seat. It almost felt like I was being raped. I know I didn’t want to. But he shoved himself inside of me. I just wanted to go home. My husband has gotten home from work and my friend immediately picked him up and we’re driving around looking for me. I told him to take me to the park so they could pick me up and next thing I knew he said “ yeah you liked it” I wanted t cry soo badly but felt soo ashamed as if I deserved it for living my life that way. When we got to the park my husband jumped out of the car and almost beat him up. I just took my husband and told him to stop and we got in the car and went home. For some reason I got mad at my husband for freaking out like that. I started crying because the other guy took advantage of my emotions he kept telling me about his life story and how tough it was and I gained trust and then the horrible things happened. Maybe that’s why he thought it was okay because I’d never say it wasn’t. I feel so ashamed to this day. I haven’t told my husband but I’m afraid he’ll leave me. I just feel like everything is crumbling around me.

I want some advice but I don’t want to be judged.