Everyone says "it'll happen when you stop trying." Well, this month we barely "tried;" it was just enough with timing that it was a possibility. Now AF is due in 4-6 days (3 different apps are telling me 3 different days), & I can already feel the moodiness and cramps of PMS. My LH tests are completely blank: 0. My hCG tests are also blank (negative). At this point my LH should be climbing as my progesterone falls to prepare for AF. I had what looked like an implantation dip on my chart 2 days ago (see pic), and CM that appeared to be brown-tinged yesterday, but today...just cramps, mood swings, and giant, sore boobs. If I were going to test positive, it would be today or tomorrow if I actually implanted, and all I feel is AF coming, and all I see are negative tests.

My sister was diagnosed with breast cancer when she was 23. She had a total mastectomy when it returned at age 26, and then when it returned as stage 4 when she was 28 (breast cancer cells in her liver, lungs, tailbone, chest cavity, and at least one other place I'm forgetting), she had her ovaries removed, went on intense chemo (again), and just had surgery for the billionth time, this time to insert Y90 radiation beads around her growing liver tumor.

The thing is, she is LIVING. She's traveling. She's a filmmaker and just finished a film about her cancer experience (Ginger the Movie, if anyone's interested) that's winning festival after festival all over the country. It premiered in LA, Beverly Hills, and Chicago, and due to a rapid sell-out in Chicago in October, there's a second Chicago premiere a week from Saturday. She's completely and utterly amazing.

Why am I talking about this? Well, I just had a panic attack and came home from work...over my stupid negative tests & the fact that my birthday is next Saturday (the same day as my sister's premiere, which makes me have mixed feelings, and that makes me feel guilty). My sister can't have kids, and she accepted it and turned her life into an inspiration. She's 30 & has already seen the world because of her relatively short (so far) filmmaking career. If my sister can accept that she has terminal cancer and can't have kids, and just take life by the horns like that, why am I having panic attacks and obsessing about these stupid (relative to her situation) negative pregnancy tests?

I feel immature and ridiculous. At the same time I'm stressed about her health, and feel totally inept at life, even though I have a doctorate (& the mortgage payment-sized student loans each month that come with it) and 2 executive positions in my company. I don't have a story. I don't have a film. I want to give my mom grandkids, since I'm her only chance. I want to make my sister an aunt before she dies, and every negative test makes that less of a possibility.

This is our 4th month trying. After month 6, if still unsuccessful, we're going to a clinic. I didn't want to do that. I just wanted one amazing thing to just happen, like it does for so many people who aren't even trying. Yes, there's adoption and all that, but I want my own child. I am too old to be considered for adoption anyway, and my student loan debt is too high (I have 3 degrees from private universities, and the doctorate took 6 years).

I just don't think it's going to happen for me, and I don't know if I can do what my sister did and say to my husband, "hey, let's travel the world and live the shit out of life since it's just me and you." I can't talk to anyone about this, because they're like "stop worrying, your sister is the one who is sick, she should be the one worrying." Well, yeah. She's dying. She has a lot on her mind. I am still a person though, and I am still hurting.

This all just makes me want to stop trying altogether. Where will we grow a family? We only have $11k saved for a house (we are renting a townhouse), and my husband makes $20k less than I do. He has a masters degree and his own loans. We have to pick: child or home to call our own. So far we are going with "child," because we are old and because of my sister. But what the hell? I am stuck in this dark place and I cannot find the way out.