My fiance and I do not agree with porn or looking at other people lustfully like that. I don't care what other people do but it's not for us. He doesn't watch it and I don't watch it. He even (by choice) doesn't like looking at super graphic sex scenes in movies. 50 shades of grey was cringy. It has nothing to do with being controlling, it's just how we prefer things. Keeping sexual matters exclusively within the bounds of our relationship. 7 months ago, I picked up his phone to order pizza and TheChive popped up in Safari. It was pictures of nearly naked women titled "Hot Babes in Wet T-shirts!" I acted like I didn't see it. I wasn't too sure what to do. I was shocked. Yes, I know many of you are rolling your eyes like "he's a guy, what do you expect?" I get it. But ME personally, I find it disrespectful especially because those boundaries were established on both ends from the beginning. That night, I waited until he fell asleep and went ALLL in his phone. Deleted history, switching on VPNs, everything. He hadn't watched porn or anything. It was just those pictures. But he had looked at blogs like that on TheChive every day for 2 weeks. I was so upset. Long story short, it was hell. We hardly spoke for a month and I was disgusted with him. I couldn't help it. I tried to justify it and make it out to be no big deal but I couldn't. We ended up slowly repairing things. However, over the last 3 weeks it's been attacking my mind. It's like my brain is sabotaging me. The moment he does something sweet, I picture him looking at those pictures. I can't help it and I wish I could stop obsessing over it. The thoughts are so intrusive. I decided to look up the post to see if it wasn't as bad as I remembered. Bad idea. Then I also realized he looked up a majority of "fit girl" titles and I forgot about it. That hurt me even more because I've gained 150 lbs. I'm in the process of losing it and I'm working really hard. But I once was fit. However, we started dating when I was slightly heavier. I finally decided to tell him why I was so upset. It's caused depression for the last few weeks. Last night, I woke up suddenly and it was maybe 2 am. I heard him whispering. Praying. He prayed for maybe 5 minutes straight. He's a Christian, I'm an atheist. He was praying that I overcome the hurt he's caused and that I see my worth and my beauty. He prayed that I move past it and find forgiveness for him. And he basically thanked God for giving me to him. I pretended to stay asleep. He couldn't have known I was awake. It was SO late and I had been asleep for 3-4hrs. I can't stop thinking about it. I don't know why my brain won't let me let it go. He's such a perfect man. I don't know what to do to let this go.