So I feel like an extreme hypocrite. I know that falling in love or sexual preference is not a choice, but I’ve always dated guys and after breaking up with one I say I’m gonna “switch to girls” and “I’m giving up on men” I’ve always found women attractive but no one I wanted to have intimacy with. I met someone recently and for the sake of privacy I will call her M. I met her in an inpatient psychiatric facility. We live near each other and we have been best friends since we met. I helped her get out of a bad relationship, One that was very similar to the one I just got out of. I have deep feelings for her. I’m in love with her, I love her. And I can see myself marrying her one day. But I don’t know if she feels the same. I’m getting mixed signals from her. I think it’s because she’s dealing with a lot of stress. I want to believe she does have feelings for me and is just dealing with to much to show them. Or is afraid to. But I love her and I’ll give her space and time. No matter how long it takes. I want to do better things in my life because I love her so much. Go to school, have a career, have a future. I love her and I feel so strongly about her without trying or forcing it.

I’m worried about what people will think. Last year I was engaged to a man I thought I truly knew. But after dealing with something extremely stressful with him I know he’s not the one. We broke up and Everyone in my family including me thought we were going to grow old together. I thought I loved him. But I feel differently towards M I want to be there for her and support her and make her happy. And because if that I’m going to choose a better path for myself so I can be there for her when she needs. I have never felt this way. I’m gonna marry this girl, I swear.

Nov 17, 2018.