Scared

The night I was assaulted I want in jeans, not to tight or ripped as if that mattered, Just jeans.

I had a leather brown jacket on, paired with a T shirt. The jacket zipped most of the night because it was mid November in New England at night time. It was a going away / birthday party; at a long time friends house.

I was 14. I had 20 dollars for some pot in my pocket.

As if it mattered. Nothing did to him.

I had a wine cooler, a hard lemonade, two cigarettes, and a glass of peach vodka.

I was dizzy and knew I had to slow down. I trusted a guy who I knew since that September, we were friends. I thought.

I told him to sit with me while I sobered up because I didn’t wanna fall into the pool filled of naked girls who were to drunk to change into bathing suits, it was to cold to swim.. I worried about them as I faded in and out. I stood, i sat back down. He pulls out a bottle of patron tequila.

It was the dark one? Or lime? I don’t remember because I was already to drunk.

He offered me some I said not yet. He opened my mouth with his hand that was larger than my whole head and poured about five shots. I swallowed, kinda scared of the tension in his hand. He stood 6’3, 170 pounds. I was about 5’1 & 105 than. He dragged me into a shed “to smoke” to calm my nerves he said I wasn’t that drunk, that I was anxious. I shared in our two months of friendship I dealt with social anxiety and trauma. I shared I was scared to lose my virginity because anything more than a hug brought a feeling of past darkness to my heart. He listened to me vent, shared advice. For like 12weeks. He was my friend.. that night in the shed he was not my friend, I wobbled our drunk. I asked someone I didn’t even know if I can use their phone to call my dad. My friends who I came with were in the pool, and the other with a dead phone. My dad said 30 minutes, I didn’t fight it. It was already to late...

I went inside to my friends and puked, everywhere. His bed. His moms feet, toilet everywhere. Does she have alcohol poisoning they asked. Probably but that’s not why I’m sick I thought. He took my twenty dollars, my innocence & my trust.

I don’t even think I smoked?

My dads girlfriend got me and one of my friends, the other stayed back. I dragged myself to my room and laid in bed. My friend was confused she knew I wasn’t ok. I didn’t speak out loud for six days. Not to anyone. I asked him through text what happened. He said you threw yourself on me. I wasn’t that drunk you son of a bitch I said. He told me I was his now. We were involved for three months after that. I wasn’t his girlfriend but I was his property. He walked me to classes and grabbed me if I strayed to far from his side. In January. We had consensual sex. I had no self worth I figured at that point. I was drinking, every morning day and night. Vodka was my water. And pot was like salad. Daily and normal, & needed.

How else would I suppress what had happened..

July fourth, I was beat up by a girl who claimed to love him. I told her I didn’t wanna fight, I didn’t care about him have him. She didn’t believe me.

The next day I came out about everything. His best friend and I became close, we dated for 3 years after. He said he’d always protect me from him.He beat me senseless for years. I turned to drugs, than He beat my unborn child out of me. He beat me until I tried to kill myself was admitted to a psych ward and he cheated on me, and than he left me for being weak for “being upset he had sex when I wasn’t there”

My assault was in November was 2013. I have been sober and away from both my abusers since 2016.. I am engaged to a good man and expecting to birth our son in January.

My rapist has a child, with my friend. Today is her second birthday party. I have to go to it. I RSVPD weeks ago thinking I can handle it. Than I realized the date... I am freaking out.