I don’t know where I want to be

Sometimes

Everywhere

Wild

But then

Nowhere

Nonexistent

But I do

Exist

Here and there and in a way everywhere

Sometimes I close my eyes

I squeeze them hard until

I’m only where I want to be

And I imagine what it feels like

For someone to love me

I feel so warm then

I pretend there are people that care about me

I imagine my kids having this magical childhood

Then my son wakes and jerks be back into the cold November night.

My husband reminds me

That I’m not worthy of the kind of love that makes you feel warm safe and worthy

So once my son is soothed.

I try to soothe myself

But it’s not working

And I’m reminded

Again today

How I’m not good enough not even for myself

As tears fall like silent snowflakes through the sky

I tumble here

The only place

That I think

Maybe someone will care