Sexual abuse (trigger warning)


Alright so I only made a new account for this:

I’m away from home for college and last week (thursday) my on and off ex boyfriend was at the city i was in for a college thing. So we decided we would meet up, have some dinner then he could come over and have a sleepover. (Background: we were together for a year and a half and it became a toxic relationship so i ended it, however some months after we hung out again and it was pretty chill and cool so we gave it another try and it was going really well even with the long distance)

Anyway, he came over, we had sex (we used a condom and he didn’t come inside me) and then i told hi’ we should sleep because i had to be at school by 8 am. So i drifted off to sleep and next thing i know is i wake up with his fingers inside me. I was shocked and couldn’t believe it. I made him leave by 3:40 am and i’ve been doing really bas ever since. I’ve had continuous anxiety/panic attacks, i don’t like guys looking at me or touching me or hanging out with new people overall. Worst part is, back home everyone thinks i’m a bitch because he went back to his hotel crying, he has apologized over and over again (although i don’t believe he actually realizes what he did to me and how wrong it is), he messaged me and emailed me until i told him to stop contacting me because i had no interest in talking to him, he posts songs in social media about heartbreak and leaves me looking like an asshole because i’m not going to talk about the sexual abuse because of my privacy and because i don’t feel like getting him in legal issues and ruining his life. Plus, i cannot tell my parents: i would literally be kicked out of my house.

My period had been really irregular before it happened (had it twice in a month) and now i’m bleeding again and i’m really scared it is not my period.

I’m 18, dumb, guilty, and really scared.