So, I’ve been having a weird week.

Background:

My birth control has for the most part driven my sex drive into over drive. It has also driven my weight right up, despite my appetite and exercise, leaving me feeling undesirable and like my partner is repulsed at the idea of getting physical with me since he is tall and skinny and I am a short, fat blob. (I’ve gained 70 pounds since we met and since i started this form of birth control. This is the heaviest weight I’ve been at in my entire life.)

I’m in a long term relationship with a guy (let’s call him “X”) and we haven’t had sex in awhile. We live together, we have pets. We’re generally happy but we have some issues. He has some past issues that leads to some anger and temper issues and I have some issues with over sensitivity and family. There are others but those are the hits.

Recently, I found myself attracted to an older man (not earth shattering old but enough to be a scandal. I don’t know his precise age and he doesn’t know mine because I don’t think it’s ever really come up but I’d say he’s maybe someplace around 15 years my senior). (Let’s call him “Y”).

We’ve had drinks together a few times. Not in the sense that these are prearranged “dates” but more like we’ve ran into one another at the bar and will distance ourselves away from others to drink and talk in peace. (Not like a private booth but like our side of the bar gets cleared and the bartender moves other away). Instead of the one or two and leaving, we might stay and have five or six before someone finally convinces us to leave or the bar closes and we go our separate ways.

He’s been known to stop in where I work and visit when it’s dead when we can talk for a bit. Occasionally 5-10 minutes, but usually 20-45 minutes.

He is married. His wife and I are in grad school for similar programs. We’ve discussed it before because I brought up a book at her school library that I thought he might enjoy because we share similar interests. I’ve never met her before.

He (“Y”) knows that “X” and I’ve almost broken up a few times and that there are problems. “X” and “Y” are both aware of my family problems. “Y” knows about my family problems concerning “X”. “X” doesn’t like “Y” but does know that we’ve drank together (at the bar - in public - never in private, because “X” was there and went off to do something else because of his dislike of “Y” for reasons unrelated). “X” also knows that “Y” occasionally stops in to chat during my night shifts.

This past week, I’ve been having sex dreams about “Y”. I figured it was no big deal. I still believe they are no big deal because “Y” is married and “X” and I are still together. “Y” and I are just friends, so why am I having sex dreams about him constantly. I’ve had sex dreams about other people so this isn’t something new but for the duration and the weirdness of it all, I can’t stop thinking about it. I don’t want to tell anyone because I don’t want to get judged for being attracted and having sex dreams about a man possibly or close to 20 years my senior. Any advice? When will this stop? How can I stop feeling like an awful person? Am I an awful person?

Thanks for reading🙂