I'm finding it amazing how my depression knows when the holidays are around, people are out doing their thing. I sit here fighting with myself to stay sane and not cry and not feel alone. Even when I'm out and you're around I'm alone, especially when you call I'm alone. When you invite me out I will most likely say to you no that's alright I have plans and I don't. I've gotten so good at pretending to your face that I'm enjoying myself around you and your loved ones. I've gotten so good at pretending I love watching you and your family talk about family memories. I've gotten so good at telling you and your family thanks for having me. Really every chance I've gotten & where I know none of you are looking or "I'm going to the bathroom". I'm crying and having my depression flow through me like a landslide in a bad storm. I've gotten so good at pretending I'm not crying while I'm on the phone with you hearing about how fun your family holidays are, that my voice doesn't change. When you do ask what's wrong or if I'm alright. I pretend that I don't know what you're talking about and I'm utterly surprised you'd even ask me that. When in reality at the times when I need you most you barely know who I am or even that I'm around.