Need advice! It’s really long sorry!

My (ex fiancé) boyfriend and I have been together for 2.5 years. We got engaged a year into our relationship. We decided to TTC about a year into everything as well. When he and I first began dating we discussed what we were looking for in a relationship and what we expected from the other. In a nutshell we both had trust issues coming into the relationship. We both set some boundaries as far as the relationship. One of them being no contact with exes. This could seem strange to you but we both felt that to give our relationship a fair chance then we should be focused on our present not our past. Not long after we became an item. About two weeks into the relationship I had spent the night at his house and we fell asleep talking on the couch. His phone rang and it was an ex girlfriend that he had told me about in great detail. I watched it ring then laid back on the couch. He had an iPhone so I couldn’t help but see his LED light flashing indicating an IMessage. Her incoming text showed on the preview “I’ll always love you too. Glad you called. Missed talking to you”. I opened it up from there and saw that he had been talking to her often. I confronted him and he said it was just closure. A bunch of BS I now know.

I forgave it because we were still early. But throughout the relationship I have had several inklings about him talking to other girls and sure enough when I go through his phone he’s either been talking to an ex or saying some real disrespectful shit which has made me feel insecure despite knowing that I’m beautiful in and out. I never caught him cheating and everything I have found he has admitted but he swears up and down that he’s never had sex or any sexual contact with anyone other then me.

When we got engaged I thought we had turned a corner and things would be different. I’m naive, I know. But on thanksgiving I had to work second shift and he had to work first so I didn’t get to see him at all. I knew he would be going to his family’s house for dinner which comforted me and killed me at the same time. His uncle married his ex girlfriends mother so she’s family but she doesn’t see it that way. Now let’s be clear this isn’t even the girl I was worried about from the beginning I’ll get to her. This one has met me and doesn’t like me and has even went as far as to call him at all hours of the night for advice or to drink with her and his ass would answer and entertain that until I snapped. I couldn’t tolerate it. His childs mother doesn’t even call at all hours of the night so why would I allow her to do it. Okay I’m getting to the point guys sorry.

When he picked me up from work thanksgiving night he asked me why didn’t I ever cheat on him after I’ve caught him lying, texting and talking to other girls? He was drunk and it was completely out of the blue. So I answered “Because I see something different in you”. When I said it I felt like I dry swallowed a huge pill. So im listening to him and I asked him what he did for thanksgiving and he’s showing me pictures of him at the uncles house with the ex gf that calls at all hours. I’m bothered at this point but trying not to let what little holiday spirit I have go to waste. We get home and he said he had made a post in Facebook about why don’t women know they have a good man until they’ve lost one and said his ex the one he texted from the beginning responded in a message and gave him the number. Now mind you: I don’t have any form of social media. This app is probably it for me. I’m just not into that stuff. He continued to talk like she must’ve though I was gonna call her or something.

My plan was to sleep with him because I was ovulating but instead I watched him drink himself into a deep sleep. And I went through the phone. Needless to say there’s been ongoing conversation that shouldn’t even be going on because we agreed to not entertain the exes. I can say honestly I’ve never went against that agreement. Never cheated, never lied, never wanted to. What do I do? I don’t understand why I’m not enough. And if I’m not what you want why lie and continue to waste my time. He said nothing ever happened that he just called her to let her know how happy he is which doesn’t make any damn sense to me. I broke off the engagement because i don’t trust him. He’s begging me to call it back on and wants to continue to TTC. Do I throw away all this time if I can’t definitively prove he cheated? So sorry this is long just don’t know what to do.