Having hard time co parent after being cheated on. Please help with advice.

My ex of 4 years cheated on me with hookers and met several of them in private places as well as paying for them. This has happened a while ago but I haven’t been able to co parent because I’m so hurt , feel so betrayed and worthless. He ruined our family for that. I can’t seem to forgive as my therapist suggest. I don’t know how. I just cry and have dreams about it. My ex also was very sexual but he always got sex. We had amazing Sex and we both rave about eachother to eachother. Not even now when I’m not with him I get jealous that he is sleeping with more women even more hookers. Why could he just be happy with us. He claimed all the time he was sorry but end back up doing it.

I loved him so much and I don’t know if I hate him or myself for loving person like this. Through the years he would was so sexual that even if I was sick he would get angry and not talk to me maybe even cheated.

Now I’m so hurt that I think all men are disgusting. I don’t want to be nice to even guys that are good to me. I don’t want to be touched. I don’t want sex. I don’t believe a word any of them say. I know it’s wrong but I feel emotionally and sexually abused now when I think about the years of pain I had with him. Just waiting for him to realize how much i loved him and stop his stuff.

Now I just want to heal abut I don’t want to see him or talk to him. I don’t want to share our son because I feel like he gave that up. He doesn’t deserve us. He chose hookers 💔

Now we have court because he wants more parenting time because I been trying to heal my hearts in the custodial parent and all of the things he did affected me and it feels like it affects you physically too.

Please help with advice.